Okay, let’s just get this out of the way up top: San Juan Jabloteh features a player named Elton John. It’s kind of difficult to take that seriously, even for a sport where guys named Banana score goals and participants sport these kinds of hairstyles in a tournament watched by a billion people.

United’s opponents last night at a sparsely attended CONCACAF Champions League match, though, were more tiny dancer than rocket man.

It was obvious – from both last night’s match and the corresponding group fixture in Port-of-Spain – that United was and is just a better team than the Trinidadians. Jabloteh had still to earn a point in their first ever appearance in the CONCACAF Champions League — and there’s a good reason: they just aren’t very good. Trinidad and Tobago, even for a nation who has qualified for the World Cup, features a top flight league even younger than MLS. And though Jabloteh have been crowned champions of the TT Pro League four times over its ten-year existence, the level of play is hardly top-notch.

Exhibit A: the aforementioned Elton John, who had about as much skill at right back as the more famous Elton has at, say, fronting a death metal band. Thirteen minutes in, Rodney Wallace was played into the box, unmarked by John; Wallace’s cross should have easily been cleared by the defender or collected by keeper Cleon John. But instead, the ball found both Chris Pontius and Christian Gomez unmarked at the mouth of goal; Gomez was closest and eased a shot into the back of the net, unbothered.

“Having played them before, we knew what we were getting into and where we could break them down,” said coach Tom Soehn postgame.