To think, it’s not even ratings sweeps. Last night, WUSA9 unveiled this big story about how Metro stations are dirty. This is nothing new, of course — the “there’s nothing to fear — until we score a bunch of file footage with ominous music!” package is a local television news staple. But sometimes these productions just get so ridiculous, it’d be a crime to not poke some fun.

I wasn’t aware of anyone who was suggesting we go lick Metro handrails, scavenge the rats roaming the rail system’s tunnels and corridors for sustainance or rub our noses on the fare machines as we swipe our SmarTrips. But just in case you were thinking about doing that, WUSA9 wants to make sure you realize that it’s probably not the best idea.

9News did an unscientific survey to find out the CFUs, or colony forming units, per swab sample we collected.

Up to *700 thousand* passengers ride Metro trains every day on an average work week… and many seem fully aware of the potential to share germs.

Gah, colony forming units! Oh, and this was unscientific, you say? This should be good. (Also, nice touch on the stars there — was the story filed via Google Chat?) Here’s the methodology: WUSA9 made an intern go out and collect a whole bunch of samples from the Washington area’s filthiest Metro stations. The television station then had a firm in New Jersey analyze the swabs they took from escalator handrails, ticket machines and poles. The gross results? Well, bacteria is everywhere in the stations, but none of it is actually unhealthy. WUSA9 found a lot of pseudomonas putida, which the analysis firm confirmed “was basically dirt.” Oh, and there’s skin bacteria cells on the escalator handles and poles. You know, because people touch those. With their hands.

I know what you’re all asking: how will the masses ever respond to this growing threat to our collective health?

“People are constantly sneezing often,” said a woman, clutching a tissue. “But I don’t really worry about it because what I’ve noticed is that Metro cleans often, and they seem to disinfect often, so I guess what I do- I wash my hands a lot.”

Said a male passenger with a smile, “I’ll sneeze back at them!”

Yeah, that’s the way, D.C.