Photo by mosley.brian

Photo by mosley.brian


MEMORANDUM

TO: Drew Magary, Deadspin

FROM: Benjamin R. Freed, DCist

RE: “Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Washington Redskins”
***
Mr. Magary:

I suppose as the editor of a website devoted to Washington, D.C. and everything that happens there (and in its surrounding region), I should summon a response to your post this morning explaining why the “Washington” Redskins suck. Presumably, there should be some kind of defense of the NFL franchise that claims to represent the nation’s capital. After all, if your attack on the Minnesota Vikings can elicit a brilliant rebuke from punter Chris Kluwe, surely a response can be mounted from here in Hog Heaven, or whatever the hell Redskins fans call themselves.

Well, that won’t be happening. I’m a Giants fan—which means I’ll probably punch my computer screen next week when I read your mockery of the G-Men’s overrated secondary and underwhelming running game—and my colleague would rather spend a Sunday afternoon tuning up his racing bicycle than staring at the RedZone channel.

But this capitulation isn’t because we couldn’t put up an argument in favor of the Redskins. I’m sure I could fake something about buying the RGIII hype, or maybe some bullshit about Chris Cooley’s pottery barn in Leesburg, Va., but Captain Chaos and his playbook-reading dong just got cut.

So, on behalf of Redskins fans who hate my Super-Bowl-champion-Giants-loving guts, I concede on all counts. The Redskins do that savior thing every year, Snyder fanboys are worse than Steinbrenner defenders, FedEx Field sucks and Mike Shanahan’s roster is made up of the knockoff versions of far superior players. (i.e., Fred Davis is a dim shadow of San Francisco 49ers tight end—and D.C. native!—Vernon Davis.)

But here’s a few more reasons why the Redskins can suck it:

1. Did you notice the scare quotes we threw around Washington the first time we mentioned the team’s name? That became house style around here after the Commonwealth of Virginia agreed to chip in $4 million in taxpayer money for a $30 million renovation of the Redskins’ training facility in Ashburn.

This is a team that bases its business and training operations in Virginia. (Summer camp will move to Richmond soon. At least Ashburn is within D.C.’s 30-mile zone, as long as you like sitting in the unyielding traffic jam that is Interstate 66 and paying a shitload of money just to park your car at Redskins Park.) And they’ll be playing their games at that overpriced Maryland shitbox well into the 21st century. “Washington” is just a geographic expression to this franchise. Sure, people will say, “Ben, the Giants play in New Jersey, you fucking hypocrite.” But sins of geography are easily absolved by winning seasons. Also, they have training camp in Albany.

But back to Virginia. Upon giving Snyder a nice cash gift, Gov. Bob McDonnell remarked, “Virginia considers the Redskins our team.” Of course, McDonnell likes to say a lot of stuff belongs to Virginia, such as pregnant women’s vaginas.

2. The lawsuit.

3. Hear it from a notable and voluble Redskins fan!

Filed Under: bob McDonnell, chris cooley, dan snyder, deadspin, fedex field, mike shanahan, Robert Griffin III, washington redskins,