Dingy basement photo by Alan Zilberman.

By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman

Located on the western side of H Street NE, The Big Board has become a mainstay of the neighborhood thanks to its solid happy hour, terrific burgers, and its “market-based” beer prices. There is a monitor behind the bar where beer prices are meant to reflect supply and demand in real time, although it’s just a gimmick: the staff updates the prices manually, so it’s not like the bar is a dynamic micro-market or anything. Still, The Big Board demands multiple visits since its burgers are so damn good (The Great Chicago Fire is my favorite). The bathrooms, however, do not match the quality of the food and drink, due in no small part to their less than desirable location.

-5 for basement bathrooms: As noted in my column about Thunder Burger, bathrooms at restaurants and/or bars should always be at the ground level. I’m a hard-liner on this one: as the night continues and patrons fill their bladders, the staircase will only grow more treacherous, and The Big Board’s location is even worse than Thunder Burger. The bathroom is down a dark, cumbersome flight of stairs, one that’s just down the hall from the restaurant’s kitchen. I realize the location is by necessity, not choice, but I don’t want the particles of an open bathroom door wafting past a food-runner who’s bringing me an additional order of sweet potato fries.

+2 for bathroom gender equality: The Big Board’s bathroom does not differentiate between the men and women’s room. Each bathroom has exactly one toilet and sink, which should be more than enough since the ground floor is relatively small. Normally, I’d score higher marks for gender equality, yet the two bathrooms are not equal in size. One is square, while the other is a claustrophobic prism. There’s enough room to do your business, yet the smaller bathroom forces an unwanted sense of urgency (the only lock is on the knob, which does not help matters).

0 for toilet paper issues: When I visited Big Board, one bathroom had no toilet paper, while the other had one-and-a-quarter rolls. As pointed by my friend Chad America when I posted my Satellite Room review on Facebook, this is not a huge deal. He (correctly) argued that temporary issues like inadequate light and toilet paper are just that: temporary. As a patron, it is our duty—nay our responsibility—to alert staff so they can fix minor bathroom problems with haste. I cannot award Big Board’s toilet paper situation positive points—there should always be some—but at the same time I cannot fault the staff for something minor that must happen several times every day.

+2 for dramatic lighting: Like the bathroom shape, the lights about the mirror of Big Board’s bathrooms are not equal. The smaller one has a single dramatic lamp, while the other has three. Big Board’s bathroom is kind of stingy—the walls are cracked, and it could use a good paint job—yet the lights are strong/illuminating enough so that we nearly forget that we’re shitting* in a basement.

-1 for hand drying options: While The Big Board’s bathrooms do not use the lamentable hand sensors to dispense paper towels, what they offer is not ideal, either. They have the manual paper towel dispenser, one that’s supposed to flawlessly ready the next towel whenever the user pulls downward. This sounds great in theory, but it practice it’s ineffective. I often find myself using the manual side crank in order for one towel to eke out, and it’s difficult to get a good grip. I implore you, bar owners, stick to ample open supply of paper towels without a dispenser. It’ll save everyone, including patrons and the staff, a most unnecessary headache.

Overall score: -2. The Big Board does what it can with limited space. In an ideal world, its bathroom would be on the ground floor and be inviting enough, size-wise, so that the bathroom visit would be a luxurious respite from my market-price beer. This is a classic example of a bar doing what it can with limited resources, yet there are a few minor tweaks that could push it into positive territory.

*Editor’s note: Whether or not you should shit in a bar bathroom has been hotly debated in previous entries of this column. According to what Alan just told me on Gchat, his stance on the issue is “it’s all about context.”