By DCist contributor Gabrielle Tillenburg
Snowzilla Snowball Sunday Showdown, one of several organized battles that took place in the city today, went down at Malcolm X Park at noon. DCist sent photographer Gabrielle Tillenburg to document the showdown. She has since requested a press flak jacket for future snowar-zone assignments.
Note: The official team names were Team Polar Bear vs. Team American Bald Eagle, but, uh, it was never really clear which side was which, so we’ll just refer to them as North and South.
12:01 PM: I’m trudging through unshoveled sidewalks just south of Columbia Heights when I notice a bundled-up woman directing her adolescent daughter to dig her car out on 14th Street. A passerby shouts a reminder about child labor laws.
12:15 PM: I arrive at Malcolm X Park. About 1,000 people in snowsuits and animal onesies are gathered in the center. An infantryman from the North team uses an ingenious snowball making device to load up two sleds for towing to the front lines. Photographers have gathered on top of the bathroom building, far from the fight. I scoff. I’m going in.
12:16 PM: I am immediately hit in the face by a large ball of snow. Screw journalist ethics, the South is my enemy now. I try to make my first snowball. Mittens were clearly the wrong choice for battle gear. I remove my ninja turtle beanie as I suspect it makes me a target.
12:18 PM: A man with a megaphone announces a ten-second truce, “Gather your snowballs!” Everyone scrambles to prepare.
12:18:10 PM: A Stormtrooper and Darth Vader yell, “Charge!” A crowd of Kylo Rens race forward. On the Southern front, BB-8 begs them to join the ight side and subsequently gets a snowball to the face.
12:22 PM: A couple hides behind cardboard from a Cottonelle box whispering their last I love you’s. A woman crawls on the ground looking for her cell phone. A little boy laughs maniacally while eating a snowball.
12:24 PM: A Southerner storms forward kamikaze-style with a sled full of snow and attacks three Northerners. He falls to the ground and is immediately covered in snow by Northerners. What happened to the Geneva Convention? One of his comrades grabs him by the legs and drags him back. I wonder if they have a medic tent back there.
12:25 PM: Bystanders party on the sidelines, drinking hot toddies, and dancing to the sounds of the Gypsy Kings’ Bomboleo playing on speakers provided by DJ President Snow. No one volunteers as tribute.
12:28 PM: Words of encouragement come from a racoon hat wearing Lt. Aldo Raine “We’re gonna be doin’ one thing and one thing only… killin’ Nazis.”
12:30 PM: The Northerners employ new tactics, including a wall of snowball-making human shields. Reinforcements bring fresh snowballs in damp cardboard and broken plastic boxes. Dogs have joined in the fight using their far superior digging skills to break up the packed snow. It is clear the Northerners, being from the scrappy group houses of Mt. Pleasant and Petworth, are far more resourceful than the Southerners, who’ve emerged from their cushy U street condos.
12:35 PM: The North has now pushed the front lines 200 feet south of the bathroom building. I think it’s clear who won here.
