Welp, November was fun! It’s time to learn what December holds in store other than twinkling lights, according to my 100 percent unassailable reading of the stars.

Photo by Jim Havard.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Even your brimming optimism can’t overcome a decades-old curse. So when your business partners come to you with a great restaurant concept for a newly available 14th Street location, beg them off. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t attend a rally thrown in your honor. Of course you can. Take off those sunglasses and bask in the applause. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Having trouble expressing your emotions? It is a day that ends in “y,” after all. Luckily, now is the time of year when it’s most appropriate to buy your way into people’s affections. Don’t be stingy. These purchases will have to substitute for a year’s worth of feelings. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): The famous saying is “You are what you eat,” but this month, the more relevant axiom is “What you eat will become a dense, masticated lemon-sized mass that threatens to destroy you from within.” And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Just when you think you’re big time, you’ll get a reminder that the rules still apply to you. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You thought your ongoing beef with Tila Tequila was over after you schooled her about Flat Earth theory. But alas, if she salutes like a Nazi, engages in German call-and-response like a Nazi, and avows Hitler like a Nazi, she’s probably back as a Nazi. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): As your understanding of the world continues to crumble, try to figure out what you do have control over. Very little, as it turns out, but you can always engage in a personal rebrand! And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Who says quitters never win? Your habit of bailing on things in favor of laying around the house will pay off this month. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

LEO (July 22—August 21): When you come into a new place guns blazing, don’t be surprised when people start shooting back. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You’ve been so distracted that you haven’t taken the time to look up and notice all of the beauty popping up around you. This is the time to do that. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Giving someone the old bait-and-switch is underrated, as long as you do it with a smile. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Well, your birthday month didn’t quite go as planned, now did it? Not blaming you or anything, just making an observation. People are going to be doing a lot of that to you this December. And don’t forget—as the great Eleanor Roosevelt once kinda said, the apocalypse can’t happen without your permission.