Looking for tips to make your summer funner? Too bad your fates predict a summer bummer. Your June horoscopes are here!

Spring has almost sprung, and your allergies are in full swing. Here are your fates for this month.

Winter’s in full swing, and Aquarius season is here. See what chilly fate D.C. has in store for you.

Jingle bells, yes you smell, your horoscope’s here today. Oh what fun it is to read what DCist has to say.

There’s no luck coming through this holiday season, so buckle up in that Thanksgiving traffic and keep the gift receipts on those Black Friday buys. Your December fortunes are here.

If March dragged on for approximately seven decades, then April came and went faster than the life cycle of a house fly. And now here we are, already in Taurus season.

It’s time for a more palatable zodiac snack.

One of the main reasons I started this horoscope column was to exact astrological revenge upon those who have wronged me—a surprising number of whom happen to be Pisces. So, you know, welcome to Pisces season.

Aquarius season means it’s time to chill out, so please don’t get mad at me when I don’t respond to emails.

Ready your bullet journals, Capricorns: It’s a new year, with the same disappointing outlook.