You don’t have to be an astrologist (which I am not, for the record) to get a sense of portending doom when looking up at the stars lately. But here we are for another month of determining what, exactly, this June holds for you, as the D.C. weather slides into stickiness.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You know how famous Gemini Alanis Morissette talks about the “black fly in your chardonnay” in her song “Ironic”? You will spend all month finding these flies, and wondering if it was really worth almost $20 to buy a drink made with bugs. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): With a little care and thought this month, you can prevent someone else from drowning and bring the world images of hope. But don’t forget, there’ll still be some haters. Always will be. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You have so many choices this June, and the only way you’ll go wrong is by saying “yes” to everything. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): There are dolphins in the Potomac. Dolphins! Seriously! Think about that next time you look at a surface and forget how much is humming underneath. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Maybe your sex life could be looking a little bit better than it does right now, but put it into perspective: the zoo’s pandas have been bleating and chirping at each other for the better part of 20 years and they still haven’t figured out natural breeding. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Being drawn to the idea of grit, without ever having to take on any risk yourself, is not as badass of a look as you think it is. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): When all of your wildest dreams come true, you are going to realize that you really should have dreamed a bit bigger. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Doesn’t the glee of learning about Fyre Fest feel infinitely far away? Keep that in mind when things get rough this June, because it too shall pass. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You might feel so crappy this June that you’re convinced even a garbage can is more intelligent than you are. You’d be right, but it’s not because you’re dumb—it’s because the garbage cans are getting smarter. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): It’s never to late to join the 21st century. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Some people are unfathomably craven, and you will be sorely tempted to sink to their level. Don’t. This month you will piss off a Nazi.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Rename your own train stations before you come for other people’s train stations. This month you will piss off a Nazi.