With a Fox News contributor now alleging that a story dependent on his quotes was 100 percent, manufactured “fake news,” what better time than this to get into the fakest news of all time—horoscopes! We haven’t got any more astrological training since last month. For those of you keeping track at home, that brings our total level of instruction to a heady zero. What are you waiting for? It’s time to learn about your future.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Give yourself the birthday gift of treating your body right. If plain old working out doesn’t appeal to your drama-loving sensibilities (and of course it doesn’t), consider a fitness plan that requires a waitlist or a salad swimming in alcohol. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Your conviction that the sky is falling isn’t wrong, exactly—after all, there is a noticeable droop—but view it as an opportunity to “thrive in the face of change.” And if everything does collapse, we recommend stowing yourself away in a place with plentiful wine. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Never underestimate the power of a neighborhood listserv united in opposition, perhaps the rarest breed of all listserv discourse. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): If you intend to be the star, keep fat cats far away from the action, lest they steal your spotlight. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Sometimes it really is the simplest explanation. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Look, no one owns a country’s flagship dish, so different chefs can put their own spin on traditional offerings. But if you’re going to copy someone else ingredient-for-ingredient, you might want to switch up the font just a little. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): As a general rule, it’s wise to bet against people who try to marry their laptops to prove a point and who promise rapid approval of large-scale, untested transportation projects. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You must remove all of the diseased trees from the island of your life if you want to save the healthy ones from infection. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Just because you’re aware that preconceived notions and prejudices can influence a person’s thinking doesn’t mean you’re immune to the phenomenon. None of us are. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): If they’re calling you Sex Tiger, act like a damn sex tiger. It’s for the good of the species. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): It’s no secret that you want to hear your name on everybody’s lips. Just make sure you’re noting if they’ve got their tongue in their cheek as they say it. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Now that Game of Thrones is back, you just might get laid in this town. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, even if the basket is elephant-sized.