Come one, come all, and take a glimpse into your future. We can assure you crisper air this month, and also, most likely, a crappy time. The prognosis is similar to what we’ve foretold last month, and the many months before that, but tell me this—have we been wrong?

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You’re going to get lots of text messages this month. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Good news for Scorpios, a Zodiac sign famous for its thin skin. There’s a new interpretation of free speech among some of its alleged protectors: the concept doesn’t apply to people who criticize you. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): If you moved to a city to get away from the wilderness, you’re in for a shock. There are literally coyotes here so you better start buffing up on how to haze them. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Stop letting all of your horrible dating experiences keep you from giving it another go. It’s time to dust off your most confidence-boosting outfit and get back out there. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Luckily for you, the long-maligned cultural subgroup you’re a member of is about to see a huge surge in sympathetic vibes from the mainstream. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Be wary of the people who offer “exposure” in exchange for your hard labor. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): There’s a convenient way for you to excuse your more bizarre behavior: it’s all in the name of science. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): If you’re looking to bring about social change, keep in mind that the best way to get people outraged is to tell them their dog is not welcome. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Avoid robbing banks (or bank customers) altogether this month, but especially when you’ve already hit up a few mere minutes prior. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You’re a great singer, and you should take any opportunity to show off those impressive pipes of yours. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’ll finally realize you’re living in the future when you discover that “augmented reality drink” does not refer to the percentage of alcohol in the cocktail. When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Feeling particularly unanchored this October? Well, maybe it’s time for you to embrace your newfound freedom! When one gate closes, another one opens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reopen that first gate.