Can you freakin’ believe it’s July?!?! We didn’t even need to read the stars to see the new month was coming, but it still came as a shocker. Alas, the surprise of 2018 being half over has not made your celestial outlook any less shitty. Just like all the months that preceded this one, this horoscope has nary a professional opinion in it. No matter, you ought to take these missives very, very seriously.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): It’s your birthday month, so if happy hour isn’t happy enough for you, it’s time to call your lawyers. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

LEO (July 22—August 21): This month you will be uncharacteristically soft, having just shed some of your defenses. It’ll leave you vulnerable, for sure, but also especially tasty to others. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You have been sleeping more than usual and can’t stop building nests in your room. Is this a sign of pregnancy, or simply a reaction to the heat? Only time will tell! You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Do you have a lot of thoughts about complex social phenomena that you’ve had trouble articulating? Of course you do! Why put it into words when you can put it to music? You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Your summer will resemble the Red Line in that you’ll be partially shut down for most of it. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You will face a crossroads this July, and as you weigh your choices you must ask yourself: Am I trying to change the world one orgasm at a time? You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You will see a beguiling, magical-looking plant and, in the throes of new love, want to make a bouquet for someone special. Keep the hogweed out of the arrangement if you want this relationship to last. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You’re upscale, you’re urban, but guess what? You’re still a convenience store. No matter, you’re still taking over the city. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Your dreams may be dead, but your wine is very much alive. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Turns out, promising “drunken Twister with strangers” isn’t quite the lure you expected it to be. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Sorry bud, but it really is that small. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): The jury’s still out over whether God has a sense of humor, but know that at least a few priests do. You will see a Trump administration official getting coffee—what happens next is up to you.