You don’t have to be an expert in astrology (and readers of this column might have figured out by now that I am not) to know that it is Leo Season. Leos are basically all of the people in the zodiac who proudly say, “I can’t help it, it’s just who I am,” about entirely avoidable foibles like being late to everything, and then insist on making a grand entrance. August is their month and the rest of us are just living in it, according to the stars, anyway.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You may be a lion, but this month you’ll give birth to seven cheetah cubs. I don’t make the rules. Happy birthday. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): As you walk, you may feel a heaviness on your ankle. Take a deep breath and look down. You’re gonna want to shake this feeling—and perhaps full-blown living creature—off of you. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You have been trying to keep something dangerous tucked away in the basement of your mind, but some time this month it will be discovered. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): The important work ain’t always pretty, and lots of people think that lack of glamour makes it more authentic. But if you take some time this month to make it appear more alluring, enthusiasm and wonder will follow. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Your life is but a cityscape, just teeming with feral cats. Maybe this is good, because they scare away the rats, or perhaps bad, given that they massacre lovely song birds who might otherwise help you with the chores. You’ll never know unless you take stock of how many wild kitties there are and how they got there. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You will meet an old friend for lunch. While this does not sound out of the ordinary, people will gawk and stare as you munch on a ham and cheese sandwich. Lean into it. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): This August you will share an opinion with someone who you normally don’t see eye-to-eye with. You’re still not wrong. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): All of the things that were cool and countercultural in your youth are now getting a big thumbs up from the establishment. So it goes. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You will have the option to simulate something rather than show up IRL to brave the crowds or the weather. The stars say you’ll take it. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Before you decide to interpret occurrences as signs from a divine being, consider that they could just as easily be the actions of pranksters. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You can apply every day if you want, but you still won’t win the Hamilton lottery. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You will embark on an epic journey with a very clear goal in mind, which you will not achieve. Lucky for you, the real reward is the blogs you made along the way. You’re gonna screw up in August and you should say you’re sorry—just try not to namecheck ISIS in your public apology.