Libra season—an opportunity to seek balance with the ever-swaying scales of justice. Or, to put it less charitably, a time brimming with indecisiveness. Then again, famous Libras like Simon Cowell, Margaret Thatcher, and Vladimir Putin certainly know how to make resolute choices. Ugh, see what Libra season is doing to me? I can’t even make up my mind about whether Libras can make up their minds. Still, as always, you should see these horoscopes as indisputable fact.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Your spidey-sense for injustice is tingling—you must head to Glover Park to fight for what is right and ensure that these fine folks have a place to buy great yogurt. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You will come to learn an eternal truth: deep down, everything is inspired by Bette Midler. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Don’t like the way your name sounds? You’ll feel differently if you just say it faster. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You don’t have to worry about the flood if you’re floating on top of the water. Just be careful not to sail too close to the Secret Service. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): A freaky man once famously said, “Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!” Now, all the not-so-freaky men say, “Pabst blue peanut butter!” Somehow, we’re all just supposed to be okay with this. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): What’s the point of having the longest cascading fountain in all of North America if it never works? Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Whether you’re hoping to be an employee at a posh hotel chain or you’re just a regular ole dog, this is the time to shine at a casting call.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Turns out, watching lots of TV might actually pay off for you. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Perhaps the real trick to scoring three stars in Michelin’s Washington guide is to be from the other Washington. No, not Washington state. The other, other Washington. If you think about it hard enough, it kind of makes sense. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You’ve got a book in you. Yes, you. A whole damn book. Will it be interesting enough for your book tour to fill arenas? Almost definitely not. But still, you’ll be able to call yourself an author for the rest of your life. Keep the whole “self-published” part to yourself. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

LEO (July 22—August 21): If you guess that a cool new bar will have Edison bulbs, you will never be wrong. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Are you a stunning refuge from daily life or just a glorified tax haven? When you look this nice, it’s kinda hard to care. Congratulations, your cleverness, or should I say miserliness, killed a local hoagie chain.