Hello, friends and foes, and welcome to Scorpio Season. Sounds scary, right? That’s because it is. Because I don’t actually know that much about astrology, I couldn’t tell you if Scorpios’ reputation as one of the moodiest, feistiest, most emotional signs stems from something having to do with the stars above us, or is just because people don’t really like scorpions (with good reason!). We will leave that question for another day, and instead dive into what tidings this month will bring for you.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): A power struggle is unfolding among your group of friends, and, if you want to reign supreme, make sure you’re in charge of everyone’s reproductive capabilities. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You’re tricky, you’re goofy, you’re adorable, and, quite frankly, I can’t figure out why all of Washington doesn’t adore you. But they don’t. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): The next time you think you’ve lost something that you need, just remember that ghosts or goblins are probably at fault. It’s Scorpio season, after all. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You will spend the entire month feverish with the need to turn all of Michael Keaton’s filmography into a musical. If you’re taking requests, please start with Mr. Mom. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): If you leave yourself open to it, you will find something this November that brings a wild softness to your life. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You’re looking at your closet. You see the outfit you always almost wear before chickening out. This is the month you donn your sequin blazer. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): No one will ever love you as much as one The Exorcist superfan who loves the iconic steps in Georgetown: “If I had my way, these steps would get every recognition known to man, woman, and child. They should be on every historic roll, they should be recognized far and wide.” If it makes you feel better, no one has ever loved anything this much. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’ve got something to say, and the world needs to hear it. It’s time to get on top of the nearest Apple Store table and make your grand proclamation. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You will face a long and arduous task this month, and you ought to tackle it like a wig master makes a wig: tying each individual hair onto an almost invisible lace until the entire thing is done, only to get tangled and sweaty once it’s in use. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’ve always been, well, a little … off, but take comfort in knowing that there are historic reasons for this. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): If you dare mock pumpkin spice this season, just be aware that you are going against the express preferences of Bei Bei the panda. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You deserve a sacred space, even if it’s just the single bathroom in the basement of your office building. This month, you’re going to need it. You keep telling everyone you’re fitness, but if you’re going to do that, you better treat people the way exercise mavens treat their bodies.