Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006, and check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

Washingtonian described the Whittle School, the District’s new for-profit private school, as “ambitious, a bit mysterious, and unnerving to the established clique.” But the overheard of the week provides a revealing look at some of the customers matriculating at the elite institution. So, without further ado …

Overheard of the Week:

Outside the new Whittle School, on the first day of classes

A parent in a car to a security guard standing nearby: “Is this drop-off or valet?”

——

A comforting reminder

Friday night on Wilson Boulevard in Clarendon

A young professional in her 20s is walking and talking into her Airpods: “Aw, babe, I’m sorry. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. You’re really good at Fortnite!”

——

Does he really, though?

Saturday afternoon, group of three women in their 20s are riding an elevator in a Tysons apartment high rise

Woman 1, reading a group text from a male friend: “I just woke up an hour and a half late for work with a jumbo slice in my bed. Does anyone have an explanation for this?”
Woman 2: “Ummm, yeah, you need to reevaluate your life.”

——

Skip to the good part

At the book festival, an author brings a whole group of kids onto the stage to read to

The author is explaining what the book is, and how the audience is to participate during the reading

One of the kids on stage, exasperated: “Just read it already!”

——

That would be appointment television

Brunch at the Angler’s Inn, where a group of older women are eating and gossiping

Woman: “She’s been married twice. Now she’s doing the geriatric Bachelorette.”

——

Shocking development

Cafe Velo at The Wharf on Labor Day morning, where a 20-something man and woman in biking gear are having coffee after a morning ride

Woman: “I’ve never had mocha before.” (pause as she sips) “It’s so chocolatey.”

——

If you like that, you’ll love Halloween

Columbia Heights Target on Labor Day

“That is a Where’s Waldo?-ass sweater and I am here for it.”

——

A surefire way to score a date with a Chris Heisey-head

At a Nats game, a guy in his early 20s is joking with the family seated behind him about wearing his Chris Heisey jersey to a bar and pretending to be Chris Heisey to pick up girls

Guy: “I don’t know how many women would flock to a former major league player stuck in the minors, but it’s gotta be better than saying you’re an average Joe.”

——

Make that a campaign slogan

A mid-to-late-20s woman is walking down 15th St talking on the phone

Woman: “I moved to D.C. to get INTO the swamp”