Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

Many of the submissions for this week’s overheards were sent before social distancing and the closure of many establishments made eavesdropping harder—if you can remember such a time.

Overheard of the Week

Two college students, a man and a woman, drink coffee with MacBooks open.

Woman: “I really want to work for an organization that shares my neo-anarchist-Marxist views, but I’m also okay with working part time at Starbucks.”

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Stocking up on necessities

At the Whole Foods in Old Town, amidst the coronavirus crisis, two women in their early 20s hastily survey the slim pickings left.

Woman, breathing a sigh of relief: “Oh, thank god. They still have wine.”

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Ben Franklin slander will not be tolerated

Two 20-somethings are talking at the stamp exhibit at the Postal Museum

Guy: “He was probably abusing his privileges, which is so Ben Franklin.”

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The breaks of only having 117 followers 

A group of friends in their 30s are chatting at Northside 10 in Alexandria on a Saturday evening

Woman to a man in the group: “How is Trump allowed to keep his Twitter account and you’re not?”

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Hiring for a devil’s advocate 

Two millennial women are discussing law firms in the area

Woman 1: “Are there any non-evil places to work at?”
Woman 2: [sighs] “Not really.”

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It would explain the supporters tweeting out snake emojis

At Toro Toro, a heated Harry Potter debate spills over into politics

Woman, horrified: “IS BERNIE A SLYTHERIN?!?!”

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I’m rubber and you’re glue

Two 20-something men are picking out organic yogurt atTrader Joe’s on Pennsylvania Ave SE for their already-full cart.

Man: “These people are all so sad. Look how dependent they are on the establishment.”

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Is a sports bar with no sports just … a bar?

At a sports bar in Arlington on the first Friday night with no sports

30-something guy asks the bartender: “Can you put more TVs on Fox, not just CNN? It needs to be balanced.”
40-something guy: “I really miss sports”

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Staying solutions-oriented in a time of crisis

A man and woman in their late-20s/early-30s are on a very long line at the Giant on 3rd and H streets

Woman: “We actually need toilet paper and there is none. What are we going to do?”
Partner: “Worst case scenario, we can use rags or towels and wash them like people do now with diapers.”
Woman, sounding exhausted: “Or we can just wear diapers?”

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Pretending I’m interested is my kryptonite

A kid is trying to get mom’s attention on the Metro

Kid: “Mama, pretend you’re interested—let’s talk about kryptonite!”

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In like a lion, out like a ham

Mother and son are discussing Easter

Son: “Why do they eat lamb?”
Mom: “I think it’s symbolic, like Jesus is the Lamb of God, ‘Agnus Dei’ in Latin.”
Son: “Well, I wish they would call him Ham of God—I like ham better.”

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Stocking up on necessities, part II

20-something woman is talking on the phone outside U Street Metro 

Woman: “I was at Trader Joe’s and that shit was insane all the shelves were empty. Also THERE’S NO PIZZA! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THE END OF DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA?!” (waits for response from person on the phone) “That’s basically me right now—my priorities are wine and carnations.”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.