Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week 

Two men biking near Hains Point, one yells loudly for all to hear:

Man 1: “It’s a bit of a state secret!”

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We get it, you have a Hulu subscription

30-ish guy walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in Southeast.

“Look, she is the worst. The best way to say it is she hates Gloria Steinem and loves Phyllis Schlafly.”

—

Ah, self-sufficiency 

A woman’s partner talking to his work colleague:

Partner: “Leftovers are great. I’m eating BBQ chicken, potato salad, and kale from the weekend. If I was a bachelor during quarantine I for sure would’ve been eating pizza 12 times a week. Bachelor me ate garbage.  So how’s your week going?”

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Vegan’s first dairy 

In pre-COVID-19 times at Eastern Market, four girls walk past the cheese section:

Girl 1, stopping the group: “Whoa! Is that like REAL CHEESE?”
Girl 2: “Omg. You’re right.”
Girl 3: “I’ve never seen that!”
Girl 4 just stands there

—

Please don’t do that

A mom to her 10ish-year-old daughter at the Kingman Island Bridge:

“I’m going to come back with a Petco box and get me one of them turtles.”

—

Let’s make a deal!

A mom walking near the H Street corridor with children around 7 and 5 years old.

Mom: “If you want a snake you’re going to have to come up with a more compelling reason than that.”

—

Well, actually

At the Washington Monument:

Girl, pointing: “Is that the White House?”
Boy, pointing: “That’s the Capitol, THAT is the White House.”
Girl: “All right, all right, I don’t need you to mansplain it to me.”

—

Brad and Chad’s big adventure 

Two sweaty mid-20s bros walking down a street in Truxton Circle after what appears to have been a run:

Bro 1: “I’m going to drink my weight in beer.”
Bro 2: “It’s going to be epic.”