Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant—good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week: 

A middle-aged man is talking about social distancing with some other middle-aged men at a 54 bus stop on 14th Street NW in Columbia Heights.

Man: “Man, all I know is I have to stay six feet away from the refrigerator!”
Everyone at the bus stop: *erupts in laughter*

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Jan. 9, 2015: Zing

On the corner of 19th and I Streets, during lunch:

Sidewalk activist, approaching man in a suit: “Hello, are you as nice as you are well-dressed?”
Man in a suit, glancing down at himself then back up at the activist: “Absolutely not.”

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Dec. 6, 2016: D.C. romance?

Four early-20-something women are talking at an early afternoon Saturday brunch at Irish Whiskey:

Woman 1: “I definitely shouldn’t have dated him for so long. I mean I had to keep a vibrator by my bed for after he fell asleep, ’cause he had no idea what he was doing, but, like, he had a ton of State Department connections.”
The rest nod and mumble in agreement.

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Jan. 13, 2017: Who says the generations don’t get along

On New’s Year’s Eve, the men’s room at Le Diplomate is covered in classic bicycle racing pictures and old pinup pictures. Two twenty-something bros come in:

Bro 1: “Man, could you imagine being 8 years old coming here. I’d be, like, constantly ‘Mom, I gotta go to the bathroom.’”
Bro 2 heartily agrees.
A dapper older gentleman at the sink chimes in: “Imagine being 75, coming in and seeing your ex-wife up there.”

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Dec. 7, 2018: Innocence soon to end

A couple with a little girl, about 4 or 5, are talking about how they recently moved to the area while in line at the Capitol. 

Mom: “What’s been your favorite thing about D.C. so far?”
Girl: “The Metro!”

Aug. 16, 2019: Mixed messages

Two women are walking a little old dog on I Street SE between South Capitol Street and New Jersey Avenue:

Woman 1: “All I want to do is walk out of my house and not have it smell like fucking pee.”
Woman 2 to dog, speaking in baby voice: “Oh, look at that big pee!”

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Nov. 8, 2019: People contain multitudes

A woman is walking towards the McPherson Square Metro on Wednesday and talking on the phone:

Woman: “He took a s#$% while making eye contact with my mom. It was my first time going away and he really doesn’t like it.” (a few moments pass) “Okay, I have the edibles for you. They are in the upper right drawer.”