Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006, so check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

In the fever dream that was 2020, the pandemic impacted every aspect our lives — including the ability to overhear gossip on the Metro and drunken ramblings in a bar bathroom. But you still managed to deliver, delighting us with snippets of your Zoom calls, online work chats, and socially distanced hangouts. Here are some of our favorite overheard moments of the year — from both the Before Times and whatever you call the weird existence that began on March 13. Here’s to more IRL eavesdropping in 2021.

The most modest man in D.C. 

At Madam’s Organ, a man who recently moved here is talking about how he doesn’t think he fits into the “typical” D.C. crowd:

Man: “I make six figures and have a good job, but I don’t go around talking about it. That’s just not me.”

—

To be so confidently wrong: Part 1 

At the intersection of M Street and Wisconsin, a woman is talking to friends:

“Now this is Georgetown, not in D.C. anymore.”

—

To be so confidently wrong: Part 2 

At the Lincoln Memorial, two guys (probably in their 30s) are chatting:

Guy: “Well what’s embassy row?”
Other guy: “I don’t know man, but you know why it’s called District of Columbia? It’s not actually a part of the United States. D.C. is its own country.”
Guy: “Ohhhh.”

—

To be so confidently wrong: Part 3 

Crossing the Potomac on Metro: 

Child, looking out the window: “Ooh, is that a pond?”
Mom: “No sweetie, that’s a lake.”

—

To be so confidently wrong: The aftermath 

A teenage girl on Facetime at CVS:

“Yeah, Mom’s really upset … the National Mall isn’t the same thing as the Mall of America. The Uber driver just told us.”

—

Relationship deal-breakers

Overheard while walking down the sidewalk in Trinidad: 

“I don’t care what kinds of relationship you’re in, you don’t lick the f*cking toilet!”

—

When you’d gladly fall off your bike just to feel something

A male in his late teens is sprawled out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, talking to  two other two male friends still on their bicycles:

“I’m not gonna lie—that kind of felt nice. It’s been a while since I fell off a bike.”

—

That Guy 

Two late twenty-somethings are crossing Pennsylvania Avenue: 

Woman 1: “He acts like he’s on House of Cards or something.”
Woman 2: “Ha, more like Veep.”

—

We usually just wing it

On a Metro train at 7 a.m., two women, both probably in their early 40s, are chatting: 

Woman 1: “How do you know what door opens? It says the doors open on the left but which side is left?”
Woman 2: “I dunno… I think it’s just random.Cause like if I’m facing one way then it’s left… but if I’m facing the other way then it’s right. So it’s just random.”

—

When one letter makes all the difference

Woman is walking with a small group of middle school-age girls outside City Tap House in Penn Quarter:

“Ohhh, she said City Tap House… I thought she said we’re meeting at Titty Tap House!”

—

That’s a choice she made

At The Coupe on Friday night:

Young woman to a group of friends: “Last year for Halloween, I was a slutty Jane Goodall.”

—

Turns out, this is a thing

Crossing M Street outside the Navy Yard Metro at Half Street SE at 4 p.m. on a Saturday, a 20-something man and woman are talking:

Man: “There’s a Subway.”
Woman: “That’s a Subway cafe.”
Man: “Do they sell booze?”
Woman: “I think they sell coffee.”
Man: “I think they sell booze. Like a Taco Bell Cantina.”

—

Forgive and forget

A man in his 20s walking near Kalorama Park and talking on the phone:

Washington at work

On the Red Line from Union Station, three young twenty somethings are talking about their jobs: 

“At the NSA you give up your moral compass day one.”

—

We can only assume, pray, hope that this is one of the many misuses of literally

Two 20-something women are walking in Washington Circle:

“And she had a literal penis growing out of her forehead.”

—

Not a good idea in the time of social distancing, pal!

At Earth Treks climbing gym in Rockville on a Sunday afternoon, a late 20s/early 30s dude is talking to his friend, tying in for a top rope climb: 

“I’m one of, like, five fiscal conservatives in my office. We tend to band together.”

—

What if we kissed in the kombucha aisle? 

Spouse comes home from grocery shopping: 

“The new Whole Foods is so nice, I want to take you there on a date.”

—

Staying solutions-oriented in a time of crisis

A man and woman in their late 20s/early 30s are on a very long line at the Giant on 3rd and H streets:

Woman: “We actually need toilet paper and there is none. What are we going to do?”
Partner: “Worst case scenario, we can use rags or towels and wash them like people do now with diapers.”
Woman, sounding exhausted: “Or we can just wear diapers?”

—

Annoyed in the “office” 

Overheard in an internal office chat:

Coworker 1: “Anybody else feeling unnaturally irritated by the word ‘unprecedented’ these days?”
Coworker 2: “Everything annoys me now. Words, sounds, the mere existence of certain household objects.”

—

Quarantine breakups, courtesy of the mayor

A conversation between two friends: 

Friend 1: “Yeah, I’m really not feeling it with this guy from Hinge, but I don’t know how to break it to him.”
Friend 2: “Well, you’re going to South Carolina. Just use the 14-day quarantine as an excuse to never see him again. … Thanks, Bowser.”

—

You can have a little nicotine, as a treat 

A woman stepping out onto the patio of Chaplin’s restaurant calls to someone inside:

“Shelly it’s a fucking pandemic we can have a cigarette every now and then.”

—

Disappointment 

In Lanier Heights, a man and woman walking together:

Man: “A good dick is hard to find.”
Woman: “I’ve had a couple, but yeah.”

—

Well, actually

At the Washington Monument:

Girl, pointing: “Is that the White House?”
Boy, pointing: “That’s the Capitol, THAT is the White House.”
Girl: “All right, all right, I don’t need you to mansplain it to me.”

—

Shoutout Initiative 81 

A 20-something guy is on the phone while riding the escalator up to the Target in Columbia Heights: 

“You got mushrooms? I’m so excited…Yeah, I think I’m going to text my uncle, he’s like my plug now.”

—

Knowing your audience

Volunteers are collecting signatures to decriminalize psychedelics at the Mount Pleasant farmers‘ market compost collection:

Volunteer: “Do you like compost? You may also like mushrooms!”

—

High hopes

At a winery in Maryland off River Road, a group of women are talking about their moms over wine:

One woman: “I would love to take edibles with your mom.”

—

Well, if you use them properly… 

A couple walking near the National Mall:

Man: “Watching the way some people wear face masks makes me understand why condoms aren’t that effective.”

—

Except when it’s actually a triangle 

Two girls are walking through Thomas Circle after taking a selfie. One is obviously showing the other around:

One girl: “So this is a circle. A fun fact about Washington D.C. is that there are many circles just like this one.”
Other girl: “Omg I love circles! Such a good shape.”

—

It was quite a climactic weekend

A man is talking on the phone about the election results in Van Ness: 

“It was drawn out, ya know? It was like an orgasm that wouldn’t happen.”

 —

Overheard in a GOP Senate office

A mother (mid 30s) and daughter (8-ish) are at a New Orleans airport flying back to D.C., discussing what they will see upon their arrival to the city: 

Daughter: “Mom, will we get to see where all the normal people live?”
Mom: “What normal people, sweetie?”
Daughter: “You know! Like all the people who live there. Will we see their houses too?”
Mom: “Oh, sweetie… nobody actually lives *IN* DC. That’s fake movie things. Everyone lives outside and then goes in there for work.”