Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006, so check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

When we rounded up our Best Of Overheards for 2020, we looked ahead with hopeful hearts toward 2021 — a year that held the promise of crowded bars and Metro cars ripe for eavesdropping. The year didn’t pan out exactly as we had expected, but 2021 gave us some of our favorite overheard moments anyway. Enjoy:

You’re so close

A young man is outside the National Portrait Gallery: 

“So people in the D.C. district can’t vote?”

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Woof

On a Saturday afternoon on Soapstone trail in Rock Creek Park, one friend to another: 

Woman: “How is your 10k running program going?”
Man, disheartened, responds: “I hit pause because of the insurrection.”

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Ma’am, this is an American Eagle

A tourist family matriarch is decked out in Americana in the Pentagon City Mall:

“What are these arrows on the ground. As if I need to follow them. So stupid. These masks mandates are bad enough.”

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One-up-man-ship, always 

A couple is on a date, dining outdoors at a Georgetown restaurant: 

Woman: “And that’s how I met Jack Kennedy.”
Her date: “Reminds me of the time I met Dan Quayle.”

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The Notebook alternate ending

A 70-something woman is at Kalorama Park with her friend of the same age range:

“You know it’s March Madness. I could die and he wouldn’t know for two weeks.”

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Siri, play “Deja Vu” by Olivia Rodrigo

Two late 30s, early 40s women are having brunch at Mi Vida Mexican restaurant at the Wharf. Woman 1 is telling Woman 2 about a breakup with her long-term boyfriend, who cheated: 

Woman 1: “I can’t believe Robert had us all fooled. I contacted one of the other women, who apparently lives in Texas. At least he kept us all in different states! She was very forthcoming with info, once we sorted this all out.”
Woman 2 (rather loudly): “I am dumbfounded….. he was seeing 7 other women!?! You must have had quite the conversation with her!”
Woman 1: “That’s not the half of it! He wasn’t even original with his game – he gave us the SAME earrings from Tiffany’s last year for Christmas. Did you know they gave bulk discounts?”

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Taco Bell erasure

Two teenage girls talking are near Jefferson Middle School Academy: 

Girl 1: “Aren’t you going to have fun visiting them?”
Girl 2: “They live in the suburbs, the only fast food they have is McDonalds!”

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Humility is a virtue

Two middle-aged men are walking up to World of Beer in Arlington:

Man 1: “Outside is where all the young, beautiful people sit.”
Man 2: “Let’s go inside with the trolls.”

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Holy truths 

A woman is yelling at another woman on the Metro: 

“Stop suckin’ dick and read the Bible!”

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“Dans Cafe-ing”

A group of friends is eating dinner at the Wharf: 

Girl 1: “I found strawberry flavored lube in my parents’ bathroom once.”
Girl 2: “Flavored? Or scented? I thought that only described the smell!”
Guy: “Wait, you can eat lube?”
Girl 1: “Well I wouldn’t recommend Dan’s Cafe-ing the lube but yes you can swallow it.”

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We’re always listening

Three friends are talking in the line for Mt. Desert Island Ice Cream:

Friend 1: “I’m gonna inject coffee into my veins, definitely.”
Friend 2: “You better stop saying this stuff out loud before you end up on DCist’s overheard.”

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Pleaaaase dump him

A couple is on a date at Wonderland Ballroom:

Man: “You’re allowed to be racist in Europe, it’s the World Cup.”
Woman: “What’s the World Cup?”

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Journalists are shaking

A guy is walking briskly near a gym in Arlington, wearing a business suit and talking into his phone: 

“No one ever accomplished anything on Twitter ever, so stop wasting your time.”

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Hot vax summer, indeed 

Overheard in a Navy Yard apartment pool:

Guy to woman: “Yeah, there’s nothing more erotic than being around people right now.”

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A very bad, no good day

A plane is deboarding at DCA after coming in from Boston. A woman is visibly confused and speaking with the flight attendants:

Woman: “The pilot said welcome to Washington…are we not in Washington?”
Flight attendant: “Yes, ma’am, we’ve landed in Washington, like Washington, D.C., not the state.”
Woman: *stunned* “Oh no…oh no.”

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Truer words

Gaggle of people are walking south on 18th Street in Adams Morgan, discussing the closure of Secrets and whether something else will open:

“There will always be a market for dick.”

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This one got us noticed by Ted Cruz

Women in their mid-twenties are walking down 14th street shortly after the CDC released updated mask guidelines:

“I guess I’m vaccinated so I don’t have to wear a mask outside but … I really don’t want people to think I’m a Republican.”

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Why do y’all keep doing this

A group of tourists catches sight of the Capitol dome:

Early 20’s woman, shrieking: “IT’S THE WHITE HOUSE! IT’S THE WHITE HOUSE! OMG! OMG!”

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That’s not how any of this works

A girl to a group of friends outside of Jyoti Indian Cuisine on Saturday night:

“Oh my God, I need to be gay for a weekend.”

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Has toxic masculinity gone too far?

At a bus stop in Courthouse:

Person talking to nobody in particular: “Real men don’t wear bicycle helmets … We prefer to get brain damage.”

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Regarding the above…yes

Overheard on the X2: 

Man: “You wouldn’t believe the shit men are emasculated by. Umbrellas? That’s a big one.”

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This tracks 

Overheard in a women’s bathroom at a country music concert at the Wharf:

“I love him for you… (Happily) No, he’s a moderate!”

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A dispatch from our West Coast bureau 

Two 30-ish men are talking at a sports bar in San Diego. Man 1 is wearing a Washington Football Team jersey: 

Man 2: “You from D.C.?”
Man 1: “Yeah, I’m from Arlington, Virginia.”

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Sticks and stones, guy 

A man is on the phone in Lincoln Park: 

“He was like, ‘why don’t you have more fitness models there?’ I told him it’s called Hollywood for Ugly People for a REASON! Please queen!”

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Trying to make friends after the pandemic like

At the Redeye Night Market, a woman in her 20s is following another woman through the lines:

First woman: “Where are we going?”
Other woman: “I don’t even know your name.”

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No joke for this one, it’s just sad

Young woman in her 20s is in the Sibley emergency room around 6 p.m.

Woman: “I was just out jogging and was hit by a car. I think I’m OK … but I figured I should come get checked out to be safe.
Receptionist: “It’s a four-hour wait.”
Woman: “Oh … OK. Maybe I’ll come back in the morning?”

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Equally as helpful as Capital Weather Gang’s snow predictions

Overheard at Enchant Christmas: 

Woman, singing to the tune of “Let It Snow”: “Oh the weather outside is weather.”

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