Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

We are now also taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch. 

Overheard Of The Week:

A couple in their 30s walking their dog in Northwest D.C.:

Him (speaking softly into phone): do drug tests test for acid?
[Brief pause]
Him: Whoohoo! Only detectable for 4 days!
Her: I still think you overdid it on 4/20. That’s not what it’s about.

—

Some of us still handle stress this way

A child younger than two is crying and wailing in their father’s arms:

Father: “Do you want me to scratch your back?”
Child: [crying and wailing]
Father: “Do you want me to tell you a joke?”
Child: [crying and wailing]
Father: “Are you angry?”
Child: [crying and wailing]

—

A numbers game

Overheard in an Adams Morgan coffee shop. Two well dressed middle aged men:

Man 1: “Stealing 3% is okay. I have a problem with him stealing 10%.”

—

It’s a nice building, OK?

Young couple walking down the boardwalk in Navy Yard after Petalpalooza.  They notice the new D.C. Water building.

Man: “What is that?”
Woman: “I’m pretty sure it’s an art gallery or something.  Yeah, you can see the art, look—” [Points erroneously]

—

Just wait for the dysentery

Around 7 p.m. on a weekday. A guy in his mid-40s wearing a puffer vest, with a guitar strapped to his back, is walking through Truxton Circle while talking on the phone:

“Dude, I know, we are such Barbary Pirates! We were like ‘Aaarrrggh, afflict the comfortable, comfort the afflicted!'”

—

4 out of 5 dentists are cringing right now

Two women talking coffee creamers at the Bethesda Sport & Health:

Woman 1: “I think there’s an almond-coconut one at Trader Joe’s.”
Woman 2: “It’s not even about the taste. I am more concerned about my teeth getting stained, so I like to make it really light.”

—

Is this what people mean when they say they like political humor?

Two women in their late 20s are walking down the Metropolitan Branch Trail and commenting on a very large mural depicting the Lincoln Memorial under construction:

Woman 1: I don’t get this one, it’s just a bunch of people working in a factory.
Woman 2: And there’s a founder without the head. I’d title it “American Industry”

—

Gonna need to hear Matt’s side of the story on this one

On 14th Street. Bartender is 86ing a chatty drunk guy in boat shoes, who responds by leaving, and while on the phone on the way out, everyone hears…

“Matt, I’m being thrown out of a bar. Why? Because I speak the TRUTH.”

—

Don’t be shy, tell us the name of the band

Woman in her mid-20s at a show at Pearl Street Warehouse on a Saturday night: 

“I should have brought a change of underwear…”

—

This could have been on any street downtown TBH

A middle-aged man and his middle school-aged daughter (obviously tourists) were walking up 15th Street NW next to the Ellipse. The daughter reads the name of the building across the street – Department of Commerce.

Daughter: “Is that where they do trade?”
Dad: “Yes. Maybe? I don’t know. Who knows what all these people do here.”

—

Try the donuts, they’re trustworthy

Overheard in the lobby of an apartment building in Van Ness. Two men in their late 50s or early 60s are discussing bread. 

Guy 1: [discussing his time eating bread in Amsterdam and France] “… a very credible croissant.”
Guy 2: [inaudible]
Guy 1: “Have you been to Bread Furst? They have a very credible baguette.”
Guy 2: “I’ve been disappointed by Bread Furst in the past.”
Guy 1: “But have you tried their baguette? It’s very credible.”

—

It’s all downhill from here

A young women getting into a car with a friend near Georgetown U this week:

“The thing about college is that by my last year, the more people I met the fewer people I liked.”

—

I don’t remember this one from kindergarten …

Late at night near 12th and U streets NW, one 20-something woman is chanting to her group:

“If you’re high and you know it clap your hands…” [claps]

—

Honestly sounds like a fun book club

Walking out of the Mt. Pleasant Library in the afternoon:

Woman on a phone call: “I got the book. I feel like she picked the most TikTok-y book there is!”

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