Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

We are now also taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch. 

Overheard of the Week: 

Overheard at the Downtown Holiday Market, outside the churro stand. While shopping, a middle-aged mom walking looks at her teenager and says:

“We have a panda head at home. You just NEVER wear it!”

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Number two? See number one!

Overheard in Dupont Circle, a woman complaining to her friend:

“Men are so fucking stupid. Like, let me tell you — Number one, they’re dumb as hell.”

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Hang in there! 

Guy on the phone trying to get SZA tickets in Navy Yard:

Girl on the line: “I hate not getting what I want when I always get what I want.”

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So much for Amtrak Joe

On the Monday morning NYC-to-D.C. Acela commute:

Conductor: “Hey, folks, there’ll be a slight delay in opening the doors as we let off a VIP.”
Car 6 immediately starts whispering: “Biden.”
Retired former Congressman on Car 6 to his immediate neighbors: “Biden’s Acela days are over, folks.”

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He’ll be here all week

A group of cyclists roll up on Jefferson Drive waiting to cross 14th St. on a cold morning (in the 20s). All cyclists have gloves, balaclavas, full cold weather gear on except one: 

One cyclist: “Aren’t your ears cold?”
The non-cold-weather-gear wearing cyclist: “Huh?”
Other cyclist: “See! Your ears no longer work!”

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Going to Austria just to wear a fur coat you bought in McLean, Virginia

At McLean Treasure Trove, a high-end thrift store in McLean, two women are browsing through a hanging rack of fur coats: 

Woman one: “I don’t want to get attacked by the PETA people. Maybe I could wear it in Europe.”
Woman two: “Oh, no, they’re even worse.”
Woman one: “Except maybe Austria.”
Woman two: “Oh, Austria would be fine.”

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There’s no reason to be like this

Overheard in a cocktail bar: 

“Why would you live in Virginia? There’s no reason to go to Virginia. I have a lot of friends in Virginia that I never see because there’s literally no reason to go to Virginia. Or even NE, who goes all the way out there?”

—

Size matters

30-something woman on the phone while exiting Dawson’s Market in Dupont Circle:

“Yeah, but you know the story about the couch.”
(pauses for response)
“Well, we DID buy a smaller couch.”
(dramatic pause)
“And then Dave cried.”
“Actual tears.”

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A real travel nurse amiright!

At the Union Station Megabus stop, a woman in line for a bus to NYC faints. A handful of people are already helping (including myself). 

Woman who comes last: “I’m sure you are all doctors but I’m a nurse practitioner. I got this.”

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Zero clue what’s going on here, not sure if I want to find out

Two male pedicab drivers dressed up as Santa, sitting on their bikes, waiting for customers, near the White House on 15th street:

Driver 1: “I’ve eaten brains and eyeballs, all kinds of stuff.”
Driver 2: “I’ve had brains, no eyeballs yet…”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.