Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006, so check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

After two years in which we largely avoided standing too close to strangers, 2022 offered us a fuller return to a treasured pastime: eavesdropping. And you delighted (or scared, or disgusted, or confused) us with missives from your commute, the Columbia Heights Target, concert venues, and of course, the National Mall. While it’s hard to predict what tomorrow may look like — let alone 2023 — there’s one thing we can trust to remain constant: Someone is always going to be pointing at the Kennedy Center, calling it something else.

We’ve rounded up some of our favorite overheard moments this year. Enjoy!

The Kennedy Center for Scientology 

Group of women, age 20-ish, are at the Georgetown Waterfront: 

Woman 1: “What is that building over there?”
Woman 2: “No idea.”
Woman 3: “It looks like a Scientology building or something.”
Woman 4: “Yeah, it does!!!”
Stranger: “It’s the Kennedy Center.”
Woman 1: “Oh, oops.”
Woman 2: “That’s kinda embarrassing, especially since we live here.”

—

Why can we NEVER get this right 

Man and woman on Rock Creek path biking towards the Potomac River with the Watergate and Kennedy Center down to the left. He stops as they have just crossed the Pennsylvania Ave exit and says to his companion, as he points at the West Heating Building: 

“If I’m not mistaken, that’s the Kennedy Center.”

—

We get it, you think you’re funny

A man is talking to a woman just outside the Union Market Trader Joe’s: 

Him: “Is it legal to send things I said myself in to Overheard in DC?”
Her: “Oh, I’m sure people do it all the time.”

—

Britney fans contain multitudes

At the Shakespeare Theater in D.C., after the Britney Spears Once Upon a One More Time musical, a 40-something man is stuck in the slow-moving aisle trying to exit, reading his phone: 

“I don’t think anyone in this crowd cares, but the Cowboys are up 7.”

—

They have those too?

At the entrance of the Mount Pleasant Library on Saturday afternoon, a woman leaving the library offers a warning to a mom and kid entering the library:

Woman: “They are out of tests.”
Mom: “That’s okay. We’re here for books.”

—

Northern Virginia did not return DCist/WAMU’s request for comment

On a Zoom call with folks around the country discussing what cities have good Overheards, a Maryland coworker notes:

“People in Northern Virginia just don’t go outside and say things so they don’t have good Overheards.”

—

Someone’s been sipping Shailene Woodley’s moon juice 

Overheard near 18th and Columbia, a group of gay men stumbling after brunch: 

“I have to start sunbathing my asshole.”

—

“My weaknesses? I tend to effectuate too much change…”

Overheard at Blue Bottle Coffee in Georgetown on a quiet morning:

30-something white man (clearly a regular) to the cashier: “Yeah, I’m actually on leave from my job right now … I was trying to effectuate too much change. Probably need to find a new one soon.”

—

Local Man Confronts Slight Inconvenience

At the home opener of DC United at Audi Field, in one area with a long line for the men’s restroom:

A guy in line: “I thought having to pee a lot was a female thing.”

—

Put him in a writers room immediately

Two moms and two kids walking up 30th St. NW. Mom says something inaudible.

Young 6-7ish boy: “Dumbarton? Is Barton dumb?”

—

Didn’t we all

In reference to the cherry blossoms on the west side of the monument:

Woman: “I guess I just thought that they would be pinker.”

—

Close

In front of Capital One Arena:

Man: “Something around here smells like dessert”
Woman: “Oh that’s a black and mild”

—

It’s 10 a.m. at the cherry blossoms. Do you know where your child is?

At the Tidal Basin, a father is talking to his two young kids while letting them out of a stroller:

Dad: “It’s really important that you guys stay near me and listen to what I say. There’s a lot of people here, and if you get too far away from me, you’ll get lost. If that happens, go tell someone right away and hopefully we find each other soon.”
Older kid: “Are there kids lost here right now?”
Dad: “I’m sure there are two or three kids that get lost here everyday. Don’t become a statistic.”

—

Imagine they wrote the Constitution in Wingdings 

At the National Archives while viewing the Constitution next to a middle school tour group:

Boy 1: “That’s definitely typed.”
Boy 2: “No, I think it’s handwritten. I don’t think they had…”
Boy 1: “They had typewriters. That is clearly typed. It’s too perfect.”
Boy 2: “I don’t think they did [have typewriters]. I think they had to write it.”
Boy 1: “No. I know Times New Roman when I see it.”

—

HERE

Middle-aged lady with her young children and husband, asking loudly for everyone to hear at the crosswalk at M and 34th in Georgetown: 

“WHERE IS GEORGETOWN??”

—

Don’t be shy, tell us the name of the band

Woman in her mid-20s at a show at Pearl Street Warehouse on a Saturday night:

“I should have brought a change of underwear…”

—

DCist/WAMU has not verified this account 

A group of women are having a fun dinner out, and one is looking at another woman’s phone:

Woman 1: “Isn’t that the guy whose number you got at the club?”
Woman 2: “Yes, he’s Kojo’s cousin! I thought he could get me tickets to Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.”

—

#NotAllMen

Two bros, all decked out in Ole Miss gear at the #BansOffOurBodies March:

Bro 1: “MY DUDE.”
Bro 2: “I know. What a waste of a weekend.”

—

Ok well to be fair those are very different things 

Two women conversing at the Snallygaster beer festival: 

One to another: “We have a whole generation eating ass but will not try an olive.”

—

D.C.’s hidden gem 

Two men are chatting as a plane lands at DCA. One is seemingly a tourist, inquiring about what good places to check out in D.C.: 

His seatmate: “There’s this super cute little spot, Founding Farmers.”

—

Triple threat! 

Two women descending the Dupont Circle metro escalator on a Friday evening:

One says to the other: “He’s gay, an orphan, and married. He absolutely rules!”

—

I think it’s Corinthians 8:15?

Overheard on a Red Line train: 

Someone, shouting to the car: “I’m holding a counseling session here!”
Then speaking loudly, apparently to the counsel-ee over the phone: “God doesn’t want you to do all that extra-sexual activity! Where in the Bible does it say to suck someone’s dick and eat someone’s ass?!”

—

If only Adam Levine would’ve kept solely using payphones…

A mid-20s guy is talking on the phone at the Columbia Heights Target: 

“You remember that ‘Payphone’ song by Maroon 5? It’s playing right now, I love this song! This song slaps!”

—

She is the daughter of the rats DC Health couldn’t slay

A woman in her early 20s is having an animated phone conversation while walking down Calvert Street in Adams Morgan:

“…I guess? Or maybe she was just nostalgic about seeing a D.C. rat? I really don’t know…”

—

You heard it here first, cocaine is officially OUT

Two twenty-something women are walking together on MacArthur Blvd, in the Palisades, when one turns to the other and says:

“So I said to him ‘Quit doing cocaine. Nobody does that anymore. It’s passé.’”

—

Neither — try asking a question instead!

A buff guy overheard in D.C.:

“If you do CrossFit AND you’re vegan, WHICH do you talk about first?!?”

—

Profound

Two 12-year-old boys at the crosswalk near Georgetown are waiting for the walk sign. One turns to the other and says:

“If you have to force it, it’s probably shit. That’s life advice for love and farts.”

—

New book series: You Take A Boomer To A Beer Garden

A boomer walks into the new Aslin beer garden in Logan Circle with her granddaughter. Looks around and frowns:

“Very millennial place.”

—

Sir you are the machine in question

Also overheard at the Rage Against the Machine concert, as the crowd jeers at a picture of a Customs and Border Patrol officer on screen:

Man 1: “Oops, I’ll be working for them soon.”
Man 2: “Dude, this is D.C. All of us here work for the government.”
Man 1: “No, I mean, literally CBP.”

—

Your wish is our command! 

Two girls leaving the Lady Gaga concert after the encore: 

Girl, to her friend: “I am not above peeing on the streets of D.C. You can quote me on that.”

—

Sooooooo D.C.

One woman voter to another when exiting voting site in Southwest D.C.: 

“I knew the world was coming to an end when I saw my cousin’s name on the ballot.”

—

DAMN. HUMBLE(D). 

Leaving the Kendrick Lamar show at Capital One Arena in a huge crowd of mostly maskless people, a 20-something guy loudly says to friend:

“This is it, this is where I get COVID.”

—

X2, easily 

On the 63 bus heading downtown, two mustachioed gentlemen in conversation:

“If you could, like, personify the bus lines, who would win in a fight to the death?”

—

Me texting my friends after one hit

At the Arlington County Fair, a man to says to a woman while pushing a stroller and entering the fairgrounds:

“I ain’t gettin’ vaccinated. Why are you mad at me? Stupid fair don’t even have a sheep show.

—

Or movies, I guess?

A couple in the National Portrait Gallery, presumably on a date: 

Person 1: “I do like Nicolas Cage! He stole the… Constitution? Constitution, he stole the Constitution.”
Person 2: “I don’t know, I don’t really keep up with politics.”

—

Real Christians know he was born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

A group at a Brookland restaurant is talking about their conservative Christian relatives:

“They think Jesus was born in Texas, or something.”

—

Safe streets are sex positive!

Outside of the Foggy Bottom Metro, a college student to two friends:

“I am WAY too horny to live in a walkable neighborhood … it’s the biggest enabler of my hoe lifestyle.”

—

He’s been listening to too much Lana Del Rey

Family of four approaching the steps at the Lincoln Memorial:

Young boy: “Mommy, I can see God!”
Mom, “No, that’s … (sigh), that’s Lincoln, sweetie.”

—

Is it getting dusty in here?

Trader Joe’s employee while stocking shelves (by himself) the Saturday before Thanksgiving:

“OK, pecans, this is your week to shine.”

—

As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.