Hello, dear reader. Aries, it’s your time to shine, and those March winds are bringing April showers to rain on your parade. For everyone else, you may be planning a prank that will definitely backfire this April Fool’s Day or maybe you’re avoiding the existential dread on Earth Day. Either way, it’s time to spring clean up your act for this upcoming month. And as your favorite agent of chaos, I’ve got your fates waiting for you.

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ARIES (March 21—April 19): It’s your birthday, and you’re psyched to get the presents you’ve been waiting for — including the at-home Metro arrival screen that you “totally” wanted. You’re welcome!

TAURUS (April 20—May 20): This month is on fire for you, and not in a good way. It’s about to be a flaming hot mess, maybe take advantage of those April showers.

GEMINI (May 21—June 21): This April, I envision fees, fees, and more fees for you. Maybe think twice about ordering DoorDash or Uber Eats and take a nice walk to your favorite restaurant instead.

CANCER (June 22—July 22): You’re determined to catch the cherry blossoms; after all, they’re blooming early this year. Too bad, you’re Instagram pics are getting ruined by the major crowds.

LEO (July 23—August 22): People are getting all up in your business for the hot gossip this month. We’re talking about Congress hopping into D.C. politics levels of nosy.

VIRGO (August 23—September 22): The first of the month is almost here, and your boss has a special pay bump in store for all your hard work…April Fools!

LIBRA (September 23—October 23): You were counting on an upset for your March Madness pool, with Howard making it in the tournament. Good thing you only lost like $200…or more.

SCORPIO (October 24—November 21): The temperature will warm up eventually, and you’ll be itching to plan a dip at the Wilson Aquatic Center…well, when it finally announces a reopening date.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): It’s already embarrassing enough that you need a calculator to figure out the tip at your favorite dining spots, but now service charges are only adding to the confusion and emphasizing your poor math skills.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 19): Your record player may have collected dust with global vinyl shortages, but you may be in luck with Metallica investing in a Northern Virginia record-pressing company…that is, if you’re player still works.

AQUARIUS (January 20—February 18): The recent DC Fashion Show and upcoming spring season are inspiring a new wardrobe for you. But your bank account is inspiring you to hold off until next year.

PISCES (February 19—March 20): Okay, just because it’s getting hotter – no shoes, no shirt, still means no service. But what about high heels? Some new dress codes in this warmer weather might cramp your style.