Hello, dear reader. Today is a very special spring green day, and next up *cue Justin Timberlake* it’s gonna be May! The weather has finally caught up to us with lovely sun and non-humid heat… for now. But the allergies have caught up, too. Whether you’re taking advantage of the season and lounging outside or regretting your life choices and having your third allergist appointment of the month, your favorite agent of chaos is here to guide you. And I’m strapped with Flonase and allergy pills, let’s go!

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TAURUS (April 20—May 20): You’re trying to be as stubborn as the Georgetown Transformers, but someone’s going to make you move.

GEMINI (May 21—June 21): You may finally be free at last, with Dan Snyder on the verge of being bought out by Magic Johnson & Friends. Too bad it won’t make the Commanders play better.

CANCER (June 22—July 22): They say gambling can be a problem, but concert tickets don’t count, right? I mean, 3.8% at getting Atlantis tickets are great odds. 

LEO (July 23—August 22): Okay, so trying to copy a toddler by squeezing through the White House fence is not as funny or endearing when you’re a grown-up. Guess you can cross off meeting Secret Service from your bucket list.

VIRGO (August 23—September 22): Spring green is everywhere, including the fat settlement checks big corporations cut. Too bad trickle-down economics won’t apply to you.

LIBRA (September 23—October 23): Spring is usually for the happy festivals (Coachella, Lollapalooza, etc.), but you can buy tickets for your sad girl/boy fall at All Things Go (tissues not included).

SCORPIO (October 24—November 21): Although ramping up your multi-tasking skills may seem like a good plan this month, it may cost you your job.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): It’s too late for cuffing season and too early for hot girl summer, but it’s just in time to get cast for Love is Blind. So try your chances (love not guaranteed).

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 19): Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your cheese cause something’s coming to rain on your parade…D.C. rats!

AQUARIUS (January 20—February 18): Like the Dupont Circle fountain, you’ll be back flowing this month…well, for now (maintenance problems get us all!).

PISCES (February 19—March 20): Okay, so maybe your friends didn’t forget those Venmo charges you owe them. At least it’s not $625,000.

ARIES (March 21—April 19): Having an outdoor picnic by a pond? Maybe you could make friends with some ducks.