Hello, dear reader. Summer is coming, and it’s about to be hot as Hades outside. In spite of the impending humidity and inevitable mosquito-dodging, summer fun calls. From weekend camping trips, cocktails by the Potomac, debating whether to swim in said Potomac, and of course, celebrating Pride, there are so many ways to have fun this summer  But obviously, you can’t have fun without knowing what sh!tty fortunes await you. Your favorite agent of chaos is here and ready to prepare you for the season!

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GEMINI (May 21—June 21): What’s better than spending your summer riding your bike around the city? Riding your bike and roasting white supremacists. 

CANCER (June 22—July 22): You’re hyped for new ways to cool off in the summer heat, like with a potential new waterpark resort in the District — that will inevitably be swarmed by tourists. 

LEO (July 23—August 22): You’re psyched to share your early summer vacation pictures on social media. Too bad you’re twinning with WMATA — Russian hackers breached your account!

VIRGO (August 23—September 22): It’s a seafood summer and you’re ready to sink your teeth into some Old Bay, fish — and of course, crabs!  Blue crab numbers are ticking up in the Bay but, unfortunately, so are those crab boil reservations. 

LIBRA (September 23—October 23): This summer, you’re hoping to get into some new hobbies: discover the relaxing potential of Lego construction — well, relaxing until you step on one. 

SCORPIO (October 24—November 21): Hot summers mean even hotter parties and you’re hoping to finally attend the Smithsonian’s hip-hop block party — fingers crossed tickets don’t run out again this year (they probably will!)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Bird watching is a great way to get outdoors this summer and connect with nature… wait is that bird poop on your car? See? Connecting with nature. 

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 19): It’s summer, and for the winter babies, Disney’s snow queen is coming to Capital Pride just for you. But no, Idina Menzel is not bringing you onstage to duet “Let It Go.” 

AQUARIUS (January 20—February 18): With summer coming you can finally get some relief from your allergies, just in time for mosquito season.  

PISCES (February 19—March 20): What’s a better way to escape the heat than indoor pickleball and roller skating? You may be cooler indoors, but you won’t be immune to pickleball/rollerskating-induced injuries — hope your insurance covers that. 

ARIES (March 21—April 19): This past year you’ve been hyped at a possible free bus summer… well, that’s delayed and the Metro fares are going up. Dang.

TAURUS (April 20—May 20): Your friends think you’re funny, so you’ve been inspired to start stand-up — only to bomb at an open mic. Leave it to the professionals, and maybe you can enjoy some new local comics in D.C.’s growing Asian American comedy scene.