Hello, dear reader. The heat, the sweat, and the mosquitoes. We’re deep into the torturous humidity of summer but still have a fighting chance to make the most of it. Whether you’re masking up for the impending Code Red air quality alert for the Fourth of July, trying to find bug spray without the insufferable DEET smell, testing your luck at amusement parks, or looking to get away from the city — only to find overcrowded beaches — you can’t do any of that without knowing your fates for the month. So strap in dear reader, your favorite agent of chaos is covered in sunscreen and ready to let you know what’s up.

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CANCER (June 22—July 22): The summer haze is making your vibe dusty and musty this season, and the air quality’s going to smoke you this summer.

LEO (July 23—August 22): Hot summers mean cool water, but you may want to stock up on some bottled beverages — the tap water’s already a little off.

VIRGO (Aug. 23—Sept. 22): Can’t have a lazy summer day if you’re stuck cooking in a hot kitchen, so delivery is the way to go. And now, with new dash cameras, your drivers (and food) can be extra safe — unlike your stomach after that extra spicy curry you ordered.

LIBRA (Sept. 23—Oct. 23): Hoping to see bears on a summer trip to Yellowstone? No need shell out for that trip because the bears are coming to you — say hi to Smokey in your backyard!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24—Nov. 21): Taking a dip just got a lot easier with D.C.’s Wilson pool opening — at least for now. So get in while you can, but yes, you will still be judged for your floaties.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22—Dec. 21): Your summer wardrobe is looking a little dated, and online shopping isn’t doing you any favors. Nothing’s better than shopping local, especially at a new all-Black-owned shopping center in Ward 8 — with some neighbors who can help you out.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22—Jan. 19): You were hoping to rock out at some summer concerts, but that bank account isn’t looking too friendly. Instead, you’ll learn more about local punk music history while getting your stacks in order.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): You may have to think twice about quenching your thirst on a hot summer’s day, given the water shortages in the D.C. area — cue the Spongebob meme.

PISCES (Feb. 19—March 20): There are all kinds of new places you could visit this summer, including new restaurants and food halls. But you could also spend your summer at the new … Amazon headquarters? Thrilling stuff.

ARIES (March 21—April 19): Summer’s all about bonding and celebrating with others, like they did all weekend at the Scotland community in Montgomery County. But unfortunately, all your friends are on vacation, and you’re stuck solo.

TAURUS (April 20—May 20): If pools aren’t an option to escape the summer heat, may I suggest the frozen section aisles of a new Whole Foods and Lidl opening in Northwest D.C.? Don’t blame me if they kick you out for not buying anything.

GEMINI (May 21—June 21): If you needed a sign to move your car, here’s a reminder that D.C. will start enforcing bus-only lanes with cameras in July. And in the fall, those fines aren’t going to be cute.