(Courrtesy of Air Sex Championships)

If you’re looking for some competition this weekend, there’s a crown up for grabs: the D.C. Air Sex Championship.

One notable D.C. champion, God Bless My Pussy, is out of town, says Chris Trew, host of the tournaments. “It breaks my heart because he’s so good.”

Meanwhile, Victory Queef, third place finalist in the 2012 National Air Sex Championship, is feeling under the weather. (Though if she gets better, be warned: she’s got something planned.)

“This championship is there for the taking,” Trew says.

So how exactly does air sex work? Think air guitar but, ya know, with sex.

There are only two rules in air sex. One: you can’t really climax on stage. So, simulate but don’t stimulate. Two: the object you’re having sex with must be invisible.

The rest is up to you. Much like karaoke, you get to choose the song. Some people strip off layers, but many remain fully clothed. Costumes and props are encouraged, as are early sign-ups, though people who decide they want to perform that night might get a chance to compete.

That’s what happened to Victory Queef the first time she had air sex, back in 2012. Her friend was visiting from Austin, Texas, where she had performed at the New Movement Theater (which Trew co-founded).

“I didn’t know what (air sex) was when we were riding the Metro in, but my friend said I should perform. I hadn’t prepared anything, but the seed was planted,” she says. “Someone suggested I do it to Dido’s “White Flag,” which would be funny because it’s kind of a sad song.”

For Victory Queef, who called herself “Weeping Willow” back in 2012, the deciding factor was seeing her competition.

“All these guys were up there performing like, ‘I’m a sex machine.’ Sex is cool, but it’s definitely weird and funny, so my act consisted of highlighting the awkwardness of sex and even how gross it can be. It went over really well. It was really gratifying to know that everyone, especially the women, were laughing because they related to it.”

Being sexy at Air Sex doesn’t necessarily net you the win.

Victory Queef remembers a performer at Nationals who was dressed like a pizza chef. He was acting like he was spinning dough and having sex with a pizza.

One finalist from 2013, Old Dickdonald, breakdanced his way through pleasuring a cow.

“It’s a comedy show. One of my favorite parts is how being hot doesn’t really help you,” Trew says. “On the surface it seems like it’s about who fucks the best. But people who aren’t willing to make themselves ugly, well, it usually doesn’t work out for them.”

Trew would know. This is the seventh national tour for the Air Sex Championships. Eight years ago, he and some friends in Austin had the intention of doing one competition a year, every Valentine’s Day, as a parody of air guitar. “It went so well, we did more,” he says. When he decided to take it on the road, ownership transferred to him. “As a full-time comedian, I’m always looking for something I can ride, so I’m very lucky.”

D.C. is one of three cities that has held an Air Sex Championship for all seven years of the tour. “D.C. is in my top five favorite air sex cities,” says Trew. “We try and go into virgin territory every tour.”

But in the District, air sex stays at the Rock and Roll Hotel. No other venue has gone steady with the show for seven years running. “It’s our favorite green room in the whole country,” Trew says. “It’s spacious and fun. It has locks on the doors and towels.”

There’s one thing that every city has in common, though. “There are always people who think that getting on stage and cumming too soon is funny,” he says. “It’s so strange that someone would choose to be disappointing.”

And it’s not just letting down the audience. Winning the championship involves prizes and the opportunity to compete at the regional and national level.

A panel of judges give feedback, American Idol-style. D.C.’s panel is chaired by comedian Lisa Friedrich, who is on the tour, and includes Jenn Tisdale of Brightest Young Things, sex educator Twanna Hines, and, in a delightful twist that occurred during the writing of this story, me. We’ll determine which three competitors make it to the finals. Then, the finalists must have air sex at the same time to a surprise song.

The audience chooses a winner with its applause.

Each Air Sex competition begins with Trew’s performance. He has a routine that goes with an original song created for the beginning of the show. “I’ll add different tricks to it every time,” he promises. The new documentary Air Sex: The Movie features Trew grinding all over the country.

So, does he ever get tired of fucking air?

“If show attendance isn’t great, I might have a thought like, “Wow, I’m having sex with an invisible person,” he says. “But that in itself is a valuable experience as a human and a performer. And 95 percent of the time I’m so fucking excited about the show. I love the feeling that my performance is a lot of people’s first experience with air sex.”

The D.C. Air Sex Championship will take place on Sunday Oct. 18 at the Rock and Roll Hotel. Doors open at 7:00 p.m. and the show begins at 8:00 p.m. Tickets are $15 and available online or at the door. The show is 21 and over.