It’s 2017 and I still haven’t learned a god damn thing about astrology (though, let the record show, I was totally right about the whole “October surprise” thing). But if 2016 taught us anything, it’s that nobody cares about preparedness or experience, anyway. So, without further ado, let’s look to the stars and make wild assumptions about what they mean for your month.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): In the words of Robert Frost, “good fences make good neighbors.” Or, as many in Chevy Chase believe, rainbow flags and “Trust Women” signs make good neighbors. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You’ve always feared that, deep down, other people will start to think you’re as boring as you feel. Small gestures that indicate quirkiness won’t help. Find something that actually interests you. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You can ask all you want, but you shall not receive. (Except for you, Dad—your January looks bright!) Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You’re looking to start off the new year with some goodwill, but if you keep forgetting that you’re a bigger fan of receiving than giving, you’ll end up balling your empty hands into fists for the month. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You’ve probably heard the saying, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” but have you heard its cousin, “Don’t stage your photo ops before the court hands down its decision?” Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): It can’t possibly be a conspiracy theory if you believe it, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you different. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): It’s going to be tough to shake your homebody attitude when it keeps getting rewarded. Why go all the way to Maryland when the Old Line State comes to you? Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’ll spend the entire month unsuccessfully trying to get off The League’s waitlist. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Stop relying so much on advice from those allegedly much older and smarter than you. As Dick Gregory says, “An elder ain’t nothing just ’cause he’s old.” Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Looking to spare hurt feelings, you often find yourself tiptoeing around the truth. Fuck that. It’s time to take out a sledgehammer and start smashing. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Still feeling crappy about 2016? Lift your mood by making a list of all your proudest accomplishments from the year. Not helping? Get drunk. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): It’s okay your birthday was another disappointment. You never liked human interaction that much, anyway. Gird your loins, by the way—2017 is not kidding around.