If you’re here to figure out how tiny changes in planetary rotations can create cosmic shifts for your life, then you’re in the wrong place. My area of expertise does not lie in the astrological realm. But if you’ve got a sneaking suspicion your July is going to be bad, then welcome! We’re here to assure you that you’re probably right.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): The things you did in college to make it easier to get drunk were actually killer business ideas that you slept on. Happy birthday! Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

LEO (July 22—August 21): By all means, adopt the next animal that becomes a social media sensation, but you better be willing to put in the work. Fat cats can’t scratch themselves, after all. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Common advice: Dress for the job you want. Less common, though just as salient, advice: Make it law for people to refer to you by name with the job title you want. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): In a city full of strivers, this month you will stand out by dusting off any misgivings about turning unrelated events into opportunities for self promotion. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Congratulations! This July will mark a time of great bounty for you, as you win a $2,500 housing stipend to live in D.C. In somewhat related news, you’ll also become a member of the House of Representatives. A big month for you, really. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. The natural universe cycles through its inevitable rhythm with a periodicity that resembles the shifts in Shaw retail, where each change is really a reinforcement of the order. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Just as the cover-up will get you in more trouble than the crime itself, your reaction to criticism, far more than the actual broadside, will determine your course this July. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): If you lower people’s expectations enough, almost any change will feel like an improvement. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): No need to feel impotent when you can be the change you wish to see in the world. That’s right, if you don’t like the way a traffic box looks, then turn it into Cthulhu. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Definitely buy a car for the fiberglass sculpture on top, rather than for its drivability. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): To avoid waiting Everlong before you see The Foo Fighters perform live in this Grohl-obsessed region of the world, you may be tempted to purchase tickets secondhand. Make sure you read the fine print even (especially!) if you’re willing to shell out thousands. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): That online beef you’ve been cooking up is still relevant, I swear. Ignore all your other responsibilities and dedicate your July to taking it to the next level. Don’t look down now, but your swamp ass is showing.