The last time we served up your celestial destiny, we were low key begging you to buy Washington City Paper (as the stars demanded) with nary a clue that our own outlet’s future would turn hazy the following day. This should serve as an indicator that predicting the future is an imprecise task (also we haven’t exactly trained in the field of astrology). None of our time away was spent boning up on the details of this discipline, either, so your horoscopes are just as shitty as they were before.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Just as the Shaggy/Sting duet in front of the National Portrait Gallery was not a random act of the Capitals front office playing yenta but instead a reflection of the duo’s collaborative album, you will soon find a partnership that brings you both double-takes and great joy. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): June is the equivalent of the lunch hour of the year, and you should stick around. Who knows what delightful surprises await you as you munch on your sad sandwich. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Your month will be full of travelling meat sales people, claiming the frozen t-bones in their trunk have your name on it. They’re lying to you. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Any time you go to the theater this month, the people sitting in the row in front of you will be enthusiastically sucking face. You did sign up for live performance, after all. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You may be familiar with the phrase “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” which remains as true as ever for Libras. You better savor each puff this summer because gettin’ ‘em looks like it’s about to get pricier come fall. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Remember that your last breath doesn’t have to be your last zinger. That’s what obituaries are for, dear Scorpio. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): The celestial bodies demand that you put all of your fortunes in cryptocurrency, RIGHT NOW. Not a legitimate form of currency, you say? Well, then why does Bitcoin have its very own ATMs around the city? Game, set, match. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): The next time you want to deliver information that you fear others may find gross or unpalatable, you will find a catchy beat and present it as a rap. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You always tried to bill yourself as a form of commuter transportation, but it turns out, you’ve been a booze cruise all along. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Your world will turn topsy turvy when you go to rely on an old standby—blaming Metro—only to find that it wasn’t WMATA’s fault. Stay strong in the face of this setback. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You lost your bohemian vibes a long time ago, but your new efforts to remain relevant include a gussied-up plaza, so I guess that’s something. Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Just because everyone says “Caps Year!” every year and turns out to be wrong doesn’t mean that it won’t eventually be “Caps Year!” (Nats Year, on the other hand …) Sad, shocking things will happen—they always do—but every once in a while, they’ll lead to something pretty dope.