This September marks a change in seasons, but worry not, because one thing remains the same—your shitty horoscope, proffered with little expertise. Get excited to learn what the stars have in store!

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Happy birthday—the world is finally starting to cater to your kinks. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): When you’re looking really cute this month, some folks are going to try and make it all about them. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You are often seen as an undervalued afterthought, but boy oh boy are you capable of greatness when left to your own devices. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): The best way to rise above temptation is to avoid putting a baseball bat in your car trunk altogether if you don’t have a game scheduled that night. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You’ve been so excited for one particular evening this month, and it will not go according to plan. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): People freaking love it when you express your derision with eloquence. Use this power very sparingly. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You’re one dollar away from becoming a frozen yogurt scion. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You may be tempted to buy a very ugly thing that you never really wanted simply because it is now available for purchase. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Just because you love CSI does not mean that you should model all of your problem solving strategies on techniques you learned from the procedural. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): When people tell you something has “gone to the dogs,” know that it does not mean what it used to. A lot of things originally intended for humans have since been futzed with for the purpose of pleasing our canine friends. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): If you are still called dockless, but now you must be locked up, are you *really* dockless? You’ll spend most of the month noodling over questions like this one, without ever reaching a satisfying conclusion. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You speak in millennial-focused buzzwords, but beware: people are going to start asking follow-up questions this September. If you find yourself unsure of what something is, just call it art.