The shortest month of the year begins with an open government, falling snow, and the promise that things will invariably go awry, just as they do every month.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You will finally grow to love something absolutely disgusting, only for it to disappear in your time of great need. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): The well-curated green lawns of your life are hiding chemical weapons like mustard gas beneath the surface. Is this the month you clean up all the mortars? The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): If the best thing about your tall building is your (very, very, very cool) elevator, you might want to start thinking about charging other people a little less to get inside. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Just when you’ve learned about the chance to go and cuddle kittens, you will discover the less-adorable waitlist of other people who found out first. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’ll finally score a starring part. Congratulations, you will be playing the esteemed role of toilet. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): This month you will learn that the only thing better than a 224-foot yacht is a 305-foot yacht. This horoscope is shitty because it’s not your yacht, and the politicians who represent you are trying to throw your tax dollars at the owner. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You will find your quest for control stymied by what you fear the most—a creature of mayhem with a bevy of adoring fans in its wake. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): While others are out there attributing status and fame to supernatural horrors, you’ll spend February admiring and elevating 19th century transit hubs. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Be careful making assumptions this month. Just because people spend hours each day taking detailed photographs of birds doesn’t mean they like our feathered friends. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Heavy lies the crown, but this month you will find that being a leader requires more than a weighted head. Indeed, other parts of you will grow quite hefty as well. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Aesop’s Fables told us that trees will break if they do not bend. What Aesop did not foresee was that trees, and you, need not bend or break as long as someone will pay a company to uproot and move you if you get big enough. The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): So you got busted trying to deceive others. That doesn’t mean you can’t try, try again!  The metaphors will really be too much to bear this February.