As it turns out, horoscopes and the so-called “mystical services market” is big money, yet somehow these burlap sacks stuffed with bills have not made their way to me. Could it be because my Jupiter is in the tenth house, or, much more likely, the fact that I still have no idea what the tenth house means, despite years of serving as your humble astrologer? Either way, my not-so-studied look at the stars is getting the sense that none of you are getting bags of cash this month, either. Sorry guys.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): The most luxurious folks in the Zodiac don’t really need an excuse to celebrate themselves, but, with your birthday on the books, you’ll be looking for the kind of unique call-out that money can’t buy. Unless you happen to vanquish a much-feared foe with an audience in the millions, don’t expect too much. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’re not exactly going to be a spring flower this month. But at least you can buy some. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): It’s your dream to have people care deeply about your ruminations on topics like condiments. That’s not gonna happen for you in May, unfortunately. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Consider yourself lucky that cherry blossom season is over, because everyone else’s comparatively better photos at the Tidal Basin were making you boil over with envy. But even with the blossoms soiled on the ground, you’ll unquestionably find a new reason to feel jealous this May. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You will not be cast in Hamilton. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Trying to drum up some interest in your old-school, influence-seeking prose? The stars are suggesting you offer some free coffee to the masses. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You’re getting to that age where, when you ask your friends what fun plans they have for the weekend, they’re icing their knees and ankles in preparation for a day of debauchery … but it’s not a bar crawl, it’s a bookstore crawl. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Just when you were getting ready to move on for good, an old ex will return this month and promise the same savory stuff as before. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): There will be children at every bar you go to in May. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You’ll spend the whole month donning your “most fashionable cat attire,”which will not land you on any area best-dressed list. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You’re looking for the right place to spawn, but there’s a major blockage in your way. Luckily for you, a ladder can help you make it to the other side, if only you can find it. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You keep saying you “don’t want to be the next big thing,” and this is the month you finally realize that you’ve been lying to yourself. The corporate money is not going to flock to your passion child.