Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.
We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.
Overheard of the Week
Around noon at Farmers and Distillers
A customer is trying to return avocado and egg white toast: “Hi, my friend picked this up for me this morning but the avocados are really dark … I’d like to get something else instead.”
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Nailed it
At Smorgasburg DC, an outdoor food market in Navy Yard
Early 50s woman to 50s male friend: “You just have to kinda walk around and see what you want—it’s like a food court for millennials.”
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I need an intern, I guess
Near the Convention Center
One intern to another: “The problem is, I’m too good at scheduling my boss’s dentist appointments.”
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Imagine that
At Convivial in the evening for restaurant week
Late 20s woman: “Portugal is great, but the problem is I always want to speak Spanish there and they get upset when you speak Spanish to them.”
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Rough day on the roof
Late Saturday afternoon on rooftop, five or six late-20s men and women are chilling in a hot tub
Guy: “Everyone gets at least one STD in their lifetime. It’s a fact!”
Another guy, a few minutes later: “I have a very important announcement to make. There’s only one White Claw left!”
Everyone in the hot tub groans and tries to figure out the math on how that’s possible.
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There is hope for the future
On a water taxi from the Wharf to National Harbor
6 year-old to an adult: “People smoke on a boat and throw their cigarettes in the water? Who does that?!”
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A common wish lately
A group of co-workers are heading to lunch:
Colleague 1: “What do you want for your birthday?”
Colleague 2: “Well, I’m 27, so less student debt and a new president?”
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Glass half full
At Wolf Trap
20-something woman to her friend, standing in line for the water fountain: “DoD conferences are great, there’s never a line for the women’s room. Of course, it sucks for me, because, like the patriarchy.”
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Working in D.C.
Exiting the Columbia Heights Metro during the evening commute on a Thursday. Two friends in their late 20s/early 30s are talking. One is complaining about an annoying coworker.
Friend, matter of factly: “You have to remember you work at the Smithsonian, where people are paid to be eccentric.”
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Number one relationship killer
At the Zoo, a couple of young women are talking
Woman 1: “She broke him with because she was annoyed by what he was doing.”
Woman 2: “What did he do?”
Woman 1: “He was super nice to her!!!”
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Mixed messages
On I Street SE between South Capitol and New Jersey Ave around 6 p.m. on a Friday
Two women are walking a little old dog.
Woman 1: “All I want to do is walk out of my house and not have it smell like fucking pee.”
Woman 2 to dog, speaking in baby voice: “Oh look at that big pee!”
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Chads at brunch
At brunch
20-something bro guy: “This is hella good. I don’t even know what Hollandaise is?”
(Later)
“I had Friday off and I was gonna go out on the boat, but Jack told me I had to BYOB, and I was like ‘fuck that.’ I go on your boat for free and for free booze.”
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This is a pretty good burn
I Street and South Capitol
Woman on the phone: “Dumbass white people with their Orange Theory. Here’s a theory: run on a treadmill then lift some weights.”
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More of working in D.C.
At a café just off the Hill:
“This town isn’t made for competent professionals. It’s made for bitch managers.”
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And finally, it’s important to have hobbies
At American Ice Company, two 35-ish guys are in a heated argument about Jason Statham
Guy: “I’m sorry bro, I know everything there is to know about The Fast and The Furious.”
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After hundreds of Overheard in D.C. posts and thousands of submissions, I’m moving to Seattle—sadly this is my last edition of Overheard. I’ve been compiling this column since 2007 and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed all the feedback, submissions, comments, and invites to happy hours through the years. Overheard, as always, is based on your submissions, and they’re sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, sometimes sweet, and sometimes unpleasant, and they all reflect our city. We’ve had submissions from tourists and locals, celebrities and politicians (and we’ve managed to outlast several imitators). You can read all the previous columns here.
I’ll miss D.C., DCist, and all of you, but I’ll still be reading along. The column is in fine hands with the DCist editors. As always, keep your ears open and send what you hear to overheard@dcist.com, and don’t forget to tell us who said it, where and in what context. Thank you, and see you again soon.
As always, we rely on you to overheard the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.
