If there was ever a time to file my horoscopes in a timely manner, it’d be during Scorpio Season. You vengeful, turbulent folks are liable to hold this grudge against me for all of eternity, after all. But can you really blame me, given all the news? Honestly, if you’re looking for an example of what this season means, look no further than the latest contours of the scandal surrounding Councilmember Jack Evans (himself a Scorpio!), where questions of loyalty and obligation meet.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Now that it’s no longer spooky season, you won’t get paid when you terrify people or get punched in the face this month. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): This November you will decide to stand up for something, blocking the view of everyone behind you. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You will almost fall in love this November, before the tyranny of petty differences gets in your way. Maybe you’ll have better luck if you look to a magazine for some dating assistance? Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): There’s only one way to sniff out the person who has been betraying you, and it involves many months of dedicated sleuthing and a disinformation campaign. It’ll be worth it. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Everyone you love will one day leave you (this horoscope does not apply to you, Dad, don’t worry!). Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): A judge may or may not determine that the gross and frustrating things that have happened to you are an act of God. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): If you are not careful about turning down speaking opportunities when you don’t have a clear handle on the subject or wading into controversial topics when you’re otherwise beloved, it will lead to disappointment and heckling. Then again, it also looks bad when you say yes and cancel. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): People mock your seemingly bizarre rituals, but remember—they’re only weird if they don’t work. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Life really does resemble a Joni Mitchell song, and not one of the happy ones. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’ll try to fight Big Bagel this month, and it’ll go about as well as expected. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): People will launch very predictable attacks on you this month. It’s up to you whether you’ll waste your time responding to them. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You are ever-evolving in your infamy. Make sure to sniff your Long Island iced tea before you take a gulp.