What can I say about Sagittarius that I haven’t already texted in anger to my flighty exes? Just kidding, I’m sure there are a lot of great Sags out there (even though I haven’t met any). Their love for wandering must be endearing to some, and their penchant for honesty is no doubt useful in many situations. This month will likely be no different! But as you know by now, these horoscopes are not as guided by the movements of the stars as they are by my own cosmic sensibility (and vengeance). With that out of the way, let’s get started!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): This month you will seek answers, but you will never be as decisive as the ginkgo tree. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21):  You will do literally anything to avoid using your cleaning supplies to clean your home. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You can no longer use your lack of athletic prowess to avoid competitive leagues. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): The place that holds some of your most cherished memories will soon meet a bulldozer. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Someone will throw glorified garbage at you this month, and the kicker is that you’re paying them to do it. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You will think you’re all prepared to say goodbye to someone special, but damn if it doesn’t still hurt. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): This month you will start a hard seltzer business, and find that there’s a reason it’s not called easy seltzer. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Just as you started to get used to the Marie Kondo-inspired art of cleaning up all your junk, you’ll learn too late that it’s much cooler to turn all your old duds into artwork. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You will question all your life’s choices when you find yourself alone in a bar watching the impeachment hearings. That peachy-mint drink will taste like failure. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Stop smearing poop on scooters already, or this month someone will catch you in the act. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): When you try to engage in a solitary activity in nature this month, you’ll run into a bunch of people you know. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): This month, you’ll get that tattoo you’ve been considering. Celebrate while you still can, because you’re sure to get cancelled soon.