Oh, Capricorns. Of COURSE your season is the time of goal-setting and resolutions. If one of those responsible January babies was running this column, they’d have smugly mastered the stars by now. But your regular astrologer refuses to do so, and as her substitute, I’m certainly not about to change tradition by learning new skills. So ready your bullet journals, Capricorns: It’s a new year, with the same shitty outlook.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You may be under the mistaken impression that your presence is the only present. Incorrect! People expect more. Consider not tweeting.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You may think this is your time to shine, but trust us: Not everyone wants to hear it. But if you’ve just got to have the spotlight, for goodness sake keep it short. Consider not tweeting.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Your sweet tooth will get the better of you this month, and the people around you will definitely notice. Just don’t lose your cool, OK? Consider not tweeting.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Everybody loves it when someone tries to force a new nickname, right? If you must, at least make it memorable. Consider not tweeting.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Your eternal quest to immediately adopt the newest trendy thing will lead you to something that’s been around for hundreds of years. Consider not tweeting.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Listen, we’ve all made mistakes, but your unforced errors this month will lead those around you to do a big double-take. Plan to disappear into the night, rather than grovel. Consider not tweeting.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Your environment will seem a little unrecognizable this month. It’s a good opportunity to remember how much more colorful life used to be—and to consider incorporating more shoulder pads into your wardrobe. Consider not tweeting.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Certain parts of your life might seem downright unpalatable, but don’t be too harsh: You will miss them when they’re gone. Consider not tweeting.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Likely guided by bad rom-coms, you’ll place your bet for love on a high-stakes situation and a totally random blind date. Don’t hold your breath. Consider not tweeting.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Despite your best efforts, you’re just not as popular as some of your peers. Probably because you’re so damn exhausting. Consider not tweeting.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Emboldened by god knows what, you will step out of your comfort zone in a big way this month. Will they all be telling you to stick to what you know best? Only time will tell. Consider not tweeting.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You may feel the urge to overpack this month. Indulge it! You never know when your creature comforts will come in handy. Consider not tweeting.