One of the main reasons I started this horoscope column was to exact astrological revenge upon those who have wronged me—a surprising number of whom happen to be Pisces. So, you know, welcome to Pisces season and all that. Some zodiac aficionados refer to the sign as the “intuitive fish” (I guess I’m not the only one here with an axe to grind) and they’re known for being both very social and very sensitive. In a month bereft of big holidays (sorry, St. Patrick’s Day, but I’ve yet to get the day off for you), expect a bunch of birthday get-togethers that sound optional, but are actually mandatory if you don’t want to be on the receiving end of a novella-length text message expressing deep disappointment. And if you’re one of these intuitive fishies, you’ll spend the month deciding whether or not you should be sending out those dramatic missives to everyone in your contacts.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You are very needy about your belly rubs during your birthday month. To get what you require, you must find someone who is accustomed to your specific demands. You’ll find March quite draining.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): After a particularly dramatic spate of dating, you’re looking to fly a little under the radar for a bit. It helps that the cameras normally attuned to your every move are not working at present. You’ll find March quite draining.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food? It will become very clear this month that you haven’t listened. You’ll find March quite draining.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You will notch impressive personal records, but all of the people around you will continue to drag you down. You’ll find March quite draining.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You’ve been so focused on creating an environment that will allow plants to grow, and this month you’ll start to see that the care of your green friends is leaving some of your other priorities high and dry. You’ll find March quite draining.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You better hope that your choice of wedding venue doesn’t become a metaphor about the state of your relationship. You’ll find March quite draining.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): When images are released showing just how run down you’ve become, it will prompt a reaction from the general populace. Some people will be plain fascinated at the decrepitude, while others will be outraged. You’ll find March quite draining.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): All your biggest skeletons are coming out of the closet this month. You’ll find March quite draining.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): At first you did not succeed. But now, nearly two decades later, you are try, trying again. You’ll find March quite draining.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): It’s time for you to have a meet-cute with someone who you will continue to clash with ideologically. You’ll find March quite draining.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): There are more ways to buy flowers than ever before—I mean, there’s even a squeal-worthy truck hawking floral goods—and yet no one will purchase you a bouquet this month. You’ll find March quite draining.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You only let a very specific kind of person in. That is about to change, but only for a brief moment. You’ll find March quite draining.