Hello, dear reader. The Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah trifecta is upon us. You may have been naughty or nice (as someone monitors you creepily for some reason?), or struggling to think of eight Hanukkah gifts for each of your family members (don’t even start doing the math), but it’s going to be a (mostly) fun time to celebrate, unwind, and relax before popping off way too hard on New Year’s Eve. As your favorite agent of chaos, it wouldn’t be right to leave you hanging for the last horoscope of 2022. After all, we love saving the bad news for last. But, jokes aside, I hope you have a restful and happy holiday. And thanks for reading this year!

Okay, sappiness over. Let’s get into it!

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CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Gift-giving is the theme of the season, and for many, being in the community is what really matters. But not for you. You will be shopping for ALL of your holiday gifts last minute. And unfortunately, it’s not the thought that counts.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Your mistletoe match might be ghosting you, but at least the Metro buses won’t anymore?

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Champagne, those annoying party horns, more champagne. You’ll be flying high on New Year’s Eve baby, only to crash before midnight.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Out late New Year’s Eve and strapped for cash? The bus has got your back…but not tonight. You’ll need to cough up them coins. You’ll have to wait for July for D.C.’s 24-hour free party bus (no one’s calling it that…yet).

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Your Scrooge attitude is annoying everyone, get it together! It’s the holidays for goodness sake, there’s hot cocoa, and “snow” (it’s been rain, we’re aware), and how can you not fall in love with “Tiny Timber”?

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): What are the holidays without a good ole family fight? Those kitty claws are coming out (metaphorically of course), but it’s the holidays, some spiked eggnog will cure all woes.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Maybe you’re seeing double and need to get those eyes checked, or perhaps you had one glass too many on New Year’s Eve, but either way, you’re definitely stumbling your way into 2023.

LEO (July 22—August 21): It’s a little tough to get into the holly jolly spirit when the crippling weight of impending climate disaster is upon us…but cool to remember Jane Fonda swung by D.C. this year. Hopefully, you’ll get a selfie with her under happier circumstances next year.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Say bye bye to 2022, but unfortunately not to all of the old sports memorabilia your partner insisted on buying for Christmas. It’s “vintage,” the value will totally “appreciate.”

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): No one cares about your Spotify Wrapped or your fave pop culture moments of 2022. Twitter’s dying anyway, just enjoy them by yourself or maybe reminisce IRL at the new Smithsonian exhibit.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): New Year, new you as they say. What they don’t say is that it’s a long, arduous process, and if you’re planning to re-develop yourself, might I recommend a 3-5 year plan? (You’re going to need it.)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): In case someone hasn’t told you, Santa’s not real. Okay, I’m not that cruel, it’s the holidays. He’s real, and even knows American Sign Language! It’s ho-ho-wholesome.