Hello, dear readers. As your favorite bearer of bad news, I regret to inform you the last month of summer is upon us. But don’t worry; you still have plenty of time for shenanigans, and I still have time to give you some bad fortunes hot off the presses. So slather on that sunscreen, don’t even bother trying to book those last-minute vacation flights, and kick back with the A/C on full blast (sorry in advance to your future electric bill). It’s August baby, let’s get into it.

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LEO (July 23—August 22): You thought you could finally cool your hotheadedness with a dip in the Anacostia River. Too bad sewage overflows delayed that fun.

VIRGO (Aug. 23—Sept. 22): It’s a panda party, and you’ll cry if you want to because it’s the last one before our beloved panda pals go back home to China.

LIBRA (Sept. 23—Oct. 23): So your BWI flight’s delayed, but it’s not all bad news. You can seek refuge and relief for your number ones and twos in potentially the best bathroom in the country.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24—Nov. 21): Your weather luck for summer concerts is running out — the rain is not playing around! But the refunds can’t replace the live tunes you’ve missed.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22—Dec. 21): You’ve got a text! That you did *not* make it to this season of Love Island USA, but another local did. And so far, he’s killing it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22—Jan. 19): You thought it’d be cool to check out this local 90s-style rock band, only to realize it’s a play?! (With a lot of music, but still.)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): Before summer’s over, you’re hoping to catch some thrills on roller coasters at Six Flags. Too bad everyone else had the same idea, which means wait times for rides feel as long as those at the local ER.

PISCES (Feb. 19—March 20): Summer’s almost over, and your new fishing hobby was going well until you realized you have to *touch* the worms … and the fish.

ARIES (March 21—April 19): You’re redefining yourself this summer, but before you can build yourself up, you’ve got to make like D.C.’s most famous Wendy’s and tear yourself down! Might I recommend perusing past horoscopes to help?

TAURUS (April 20—May 20): New month means new bills, bills, bills (thank you, Destiny’s Child). But at least for some, that rent bill now can only go up so much.

GEMINI (May 21—June 21): Summer ending may not be so bad, when football season is just around the corner. With Dan Snyder out — and sports betting allowed throughout the region — you might be inclined to bet on the team again. Too bad going double or nothing could still leave you with nothing.

CANCER (June 22—July 22): You’ve been thriving this summer, despite the poor air quality, humidity, and sunburns. If only you could extend the season as long as it’s taking Maryland to build the Purple Line.