Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006, so check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

Believe it or not, 2023 is nearly over. With it, came a year’s worth of oversharing — often very loud and very publicly — from the general populace of the D.C. region and travelers too. Thankfully, YOU listened in and shared it with us. We’ve got everything from the salacious morsels of local society and crude crumbs of everyday folk to the phrases of weird and wacky Washingtonians.

For that, we thank you and present you with some of the very best of 2023’s overheards. We can only hope that the new year rings in a calendar’s worth of spectacle and mundanity alike (and you’ll share it with us)!

Enjoy!

This is why D.C. drivers get a bad rep

A mechanic is explaining all the issues he’s found on a woman’s car and what repairs are needed: 

Woman: “I don’t need a replacement brake light! I can’t even see those!”

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Says WHO?

Group of 30-40 somethings walking down East Capitol Street on Sunday afternoon:

“Beyoncé-hood is over”

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But who’s counting

A guy walking down Mt. Pleasant Street talking not quietly on his phone: 

“Yeah, [she] had her eggs frozen — we’ve got five left!”

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Hmmm, interesting concept

Overheard at Bristle hair salon on Columbia Road, a woman with long hair is getting a very short chop: 

To her stylist: “And no, nothing traumatic happened! Just for fun.”

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If not for the orchestra, then for what? 

The Anthem security is checking everyone’s ID before entering a National Symphony Orchestra concert. After getting a wristband, a young man turns and mutters to his friend:

“I’m not gonna drink. I’m not getting turnt for the orchestra.”

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Leading with empathy <3 

Overhead on the Blue Line train after Rosslyn. A man is talking on his cell phone, probably in a voice louder than he knew: 

“He said he wanted to take sick leave for burnout, but I told him he had to use annual leave because burnout is not an illness.”

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He’s a 10, but he can’t spell

Two women chatting at a restaurant in Dupont after spending Friday sifting through federal job applicants.

“He seemed great, but he misspelled ‘FEMA’ on his resume.”

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Saddest short story

A tiny human in a bathroom stall to his mom at DCA: 

“I’m trying to get some poop out but I can’t.”

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And what was Jesus if not a really preachy life coach

A handsome man in his early 30s, dressed to the nines on his cell phone on the Capitol grounds:

“What is happening … you need a life coach or to find Jesus … you heard what I am saying.”

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POV: you ask your bad friend for a ride to the airport

30-ish woman talking on her phone, crossing Connecticut Avenue at Dupont Circle on a weekday afternoon:

“I understand helping people, but there is a limit.”

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A parent’s worst nightmare? 

Overheard at the Tenleytown/AU Metro stop

Woman on the phone: “There’s no school tomorrow? Why the fuck don’t we have school?”

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Long live Harry!

A couple in their 70s at a crosswalk in Adams Morgan: 

Her: “Harry died.”
Him: “He was gay you know.”
Her: “Yeah, he was way too much fun to have been straight.”

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Maybe throw in a juice box too 

Two young women in their 20s catching up on a restaurant patio in Old Town, Alexandria. Women 1 is discussing her upcoming nuptials:

Woman 2: “Oh no! Your mom will be so sad after your wedding and you leave for your honeymoon.”
Woman 1: “Yeah.”
Woman 2: “You should get her a coloring book or something.”

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Are we sure?

While walking through the FDR memorial, admiring the cherry blossoms:

Child: Mom why are there zombies here?
Mom: Those aren’t zombies, they’re the Roosevelts.

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Godspeed

On an S bus on the 16th Street corridor, three late 20-something women chatting about guys and their list of criteria in a partner:

Woman to her two friends: “I need a guy who’s very stable and working on himself and calm.”

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That’s certainly not how it works 

A group of four guys at Commissary. One is visiting D.C. for a long weekend. They’re talking about their plans for the next few days. 

One of them: “D.C. isn’t a state, so I don’t think you can get arrested here.”

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A very classic and relatable goof

A Wednesday evening Senate vote is dragging on and on without the final couple of (deciding) votes being cast. Lawmakers, probably hungry for dinner, are milling about tensely:

Senate clerk, unaware her C-SPAN microphone was on: “I don’t know what everybody’s panicked about, it hasn’t even been an hour yet.”

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An enriching cultural experience

On 17th Street NW on Saturday, there’s a long line at the Happy Ice Cream cart. Two people are walking by:

Person 1: “Oh, I wonder which embassy that is…”
Person 2: “That’s the line for ice cream.”

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Broken hearts, broken leases

Two 30-something couples dining at a restaurant patio at 2nd and G streets NE:

Woman: “You can’t just break up out of nowhere when you share a lease; you have to have a plan.”

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There’s always that one kid 

A student tour group enters Arlington National Cemetery and at the first glimpse of row after row of white headstones, a middle school student says:

“Looks like dominoes!”

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“Found out the deal with the farmers market”

In line at the Dupont Farmers Market, a woman comes over to her partner waiting in line at one of the produce stands:

Woman: “Okay, so I found out the deal with the farmers market, it’s so, like, people can support local businesses and know where their food is coming from.”
Guy (dead serious): “That’s it? I don’t give a shit about that.”

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A character arc

A man interviewing a woman at a table at Bayou at Courthouse in Arlington. I didn’t hear the question but her reply was:

“I used to be a Republican, but I got over it.”

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About that submersible

Five 20-somethings talking about the imploded Titan submersible over dinner: 

One guy says to the rest: “It’s like the Spirit Airlines of submarines.”

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There’s no way this is real! 

Leaving the fireworks on the Mall on the 4th of July, four bros walking abreast at Pennsylvania and 17th Streets: 

Bro 1: “I didn’t know Washington was the capital of the U.S.”

Bro 2: “No, dude, it’s the world capital.”

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They’re our North Star

Two young people standing outside at Union Station after midnight, waiting for a ride:

A: “Aww, I just saw a rat!”
B: “Home sweet home.”

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Don’t we all 

Four women in their 30s are at the Four Five coffee shop in Arlington on a Saturday afternoon.

Woman: “I think the problem is that I just need to be tied up.”

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A cloak of invincibility 

On the Green Line train heading to Greenbelt:

Woman: “Once I get some tequila flowing through my veins I’ll walk anywhere.”

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So … math?

A teenage girl on speakerphone in Ballston explaining to her friend how all of her boyfriend’s red flags should add together to equal a breakup:

“That’s not even girl math, that’s just logic math.”

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Wellness™

Two guys coming out of the CrossFit in Adams Morgan Tuesday evening: 

“… showing off his abs even though he’s had a heart attack.”

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Nightmare blunt rotation 

Table of young 20-somethings out for dinner on Saturday in Chinatown:

Woman: (inaudible)
Man: “I’m not telling you.”
Woman: (inaudible)
Man: “No! I’m not telling you that.”
Other Man: “Not everyone thinks about the Roman Empire that much.”
Woman: “But you just spent several minutes talking about the War of 1812.”

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Me when I make any plans after two drinks 

A mid-20s man in a suit and messenger bag coming out of the Courthouse Metro, speaking loudly on his phone:

“So he said to me ‘well I never liked the idea anyway,’ and I said ‘how could you pitch an idea you didn’t believe in?!’”

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Kid’s been watching too much Jack Ryan

Two teenagers and their parents are walking on 17th Street near Pennsylvania Avenue, around the corner from the White House. The older teenage boy:

“Well, this is nothing like my image of Washington, D.C.”

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This is the guy from high school who posts weird crypto scams on his Instagram story 

At Falafel Inc. in Western Market, a 20-something white guy to two friends: 

“Like, girls don’t know what to do with money. They make it to spend it.”

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The hottest of brass instruments, imo

A young dating couple (mid-20ish) walking in Rock Creek Park:

Woman: “Oh my god, I can totally see you playing the trumpet.”

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Believing in yourself is the first step to success

A 20-something couple on a date at a sushi restaurant in Penn Quarter:

Woman: “I’m very happy with where I am in life because I am so successful. My performance review was stellar.”
Man: “But you wrote it.”
Woman: “Well, yeah, but my boss signed off on it.”

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A city of nerds

Two parents and their three young children having dinner at Red Rocks in Columbia Heights and playing a word game:

Oldest child: “Name a word that starts with E and ends in I.”
Mother: “Ennui.”

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Where does Home Alone fit on this family’s holiday movie rankings?

In the Orlando airport waiting to board a flight back to DCA. A 9-year-old boy with his two parents:

Boy: [says something unintelligible, but whiny]
Mom: “Alright then stay here, find a new family!”

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A McKinsey intern, Jordan Belfort, and Bernie Madoff walk into a bar…

Overheard outside Placemkr in Dupont Circle. Two middle-aged men in suits talking, then one says very clearly:

“Well, there are a lot easier ways to embezzle money.”

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The only way to cope with the team’s move to Virginia

At the Washington Capitals vs. Dallas Stars game on a Thursday. Men in their 20s are talking about how one of them won a $500 Giant gift card from participating in a fan puck-shot game.

Fan 1: What did you buy with it?
Fan 2: Beer. Lots of beer.

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.