You know what they say about March: in like a lion, out like a lamb. Based on meteorologists, though, this month is looking pretty lamb-like all the way through. But you’re not here to learn about the weather—you want the dirt on what the stars say about your month. As always, I have not brushed up on astrology since the last time we talked about your future. What? You thought I’d pivot? Only fools believe in the pivot.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Time to celebrate your birthday with a big fishy cake, you ole sea blob! Congrats on figuring out that if you add lobster to something cheap, you can jack up the price. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Definitely get branded with a tattoo of your employer’s logo this month. No way you’ll ever regret that. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Remember those people who said money isn’t everything? They’re wrong. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Not like this is directed at any one Gemini in particular, but if call your wife “mother” in front of colleagues, then buying her some sad flowers isn’t going to jazz up your romance. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Pay attention to the garbage trucks. Who knows when you’ll find the spiritual guidance you need via a hitchhiking critter. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

LEO (July 22—August 21): The devil is in the details for you this month. You might teach a porcupine to submit to an ultrasound, but it means nothing if her quills are too thick to see anything. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Never tweet. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Stop making everything so political and take a moment to do something absurd. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Your religious rituals are missing something: zombies, obviously. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Watch your step before snapping that selfie. No new profile picture is worth the destruction your ego might cause. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You’re going to have a wonderful road trip across the Bay Bridge later this month. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You might think you’re making a choice without permanent implications, but if you’re not careful, three years later you’ll be exactly where you were. Enjoy whatever semblance of pleasure you still have—happiness is as fleeting as peak bloom.