Scorpio season is upon us, meaning it’s time for everyone to get salty! I think. Because, as you may recall, these horoscopes are grounded more in petty revenge than they are in any understanding of the vast universe’s astrological happenings. But then again, so are most of your actions, so we’re on the same page here. Drumroll please, as your month unfolds before your eyes …

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Rather than letting your murderous urges lead you to violence, channel them instead in a tiny, twee (and useful!) celebration of the macabre. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Don’t wait until a venue closes to realize that there’s something charming about the fact that a sinkhole could open up at any time there. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Take consolation that your disenfranchisement makes for a good trivia question. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Someone is trying to shame you about your kinkier desires, but don’t let them. If prehensile-tailed porcupines do it, why shouldn’t you? This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Hope is overrated—you’re truly cursed. Maybe a leadership shake-up will change that, but I’d recommend an exorcist instead. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

ARIES (March 22—April 21): There are infinite uses for the Pikachu costume gathering dust at the back of your closet. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You won’t know how seriously you take a competition until you arrive at the starting line and see nothing but rivals to your left and right. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Look, you’re not the coolest anymore, but hey, at least you made the list! This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Just because something bills itself as “an experience” doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a good one. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

LEO (July 22—August 21): You can be a huge sculpture on the National Mall, or you can be a naked sculpture on the National Mall, but you can’t be both. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You snorted, we all did. Turns out billionaires will have the last laugh. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You’ll find yourself using one finger way more than the others in November. This month, you will be tempted to spend your savings for a worthy cause. Do it!