Cancer is among the mopiest and most sensitive signs of the Zodiac, so get ready for a month of folks pretending like they don’t want to be celebrated, only to blanch when you actually listen to their protestations not to make a big deal out of their birthday. But honestly, with the weather forecast looking like it does, brooding inside really doesn’t sound like all that bad of an idea.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): During your birthday month, ideas will flow from you like the water fountain at Meridian Hill/Malcolm X Park. So inspiration will come, and then unexpectedly stop for what’ll feel like eons. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Cultural depictions of a dystopian future will seem eerily close to your own experiences in July. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Much like the 14th Street NW corridor, you will find yourself changing up some parts of you that have stayed the same for a decade. Also, Smoothie King seems kind of obsessed with you. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You’re going to take yourself out of the running for something when it doesn’t appear to be going your way, and all of that drama will somehow net you a trip, where you will be called upon for more spectacle. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): As summer rolls around, people inevitably start responding to just about every prompt with a shrug and a pat “rosé all day!” This is the month you nearly punch one of them in the face. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Some folks are talking about the new cuties in town. Much to your chagrin, they’re not referring to you or anyone you’re dating. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Everybody knows you love to plan. Getting the ball rolling on the Fourth of July seems like a good idea, but your friends are going to be bugged when you keep hounding them about Christmas. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): Often, people from outside the District make a slew of assumptions about what kind of place it is, inspired more by well-worn tropes from House of Cards or West Wing than anything real. But this month, they’ve got a point. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You always think we’ve reached peak weirdness in the news cycle, and you continue to be wrong. The headlines in July will continue to surprise you, even when you no longer think you’re capable of that emotion. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You will pay one way or another for your hair cut this month, whether it’s through the dollars you spend or the need to follow up with your own set of clippers at home. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): It’s time for you to put your tiresome office skills to use for the good of mankind … or at least, for the good of your friends. You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’re going to take a romantic interest to the Hirshhorn in an effort to impress. You’ll do fine until you call the exhibit “That Cate Blanchett thing.” You’ll be struck with the devastating realization that everything beautiful in D.C. is way taller than you.