Hello, dear reader. In true Halloween fashion, we have a classic resurrection. It’s not a zombie or a mummy, but something you definitely did not ask for … the return of your sh*tty horoscope! Now, I know I may sound a little different from our beloved former author, Rachel Kurzius (whom we dearly miss). But never fear! I, too, have absolutely no credentials to be dictating your life’s fate. But as a self-proclaimed agent of chaos, I am excited to foretell all, mwahahahahaha.

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SCORPIO (October 22—November 21):  This month, you’ll painstakingly design a Halloween costume so you can be the talk of the town. But all you’ll end up with is expensive closet clutter — like that $50 accessory that you absolutely HAD to have — destined to never be worn again.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Your social life looks pretty trash this month. Though you may take advantage of a beloved summer tradition, you’ll find that shivering through it in winter does not make for a great way to make new friends.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Planning has been a mess for you, and you may be pushed to “release your job/release the stress” as Beyoncé says. But you’re not Beyoncé — you better pay those bills.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): I’m getting the vibe you’ve been sitting at home glued to your couch. And despite all our pleading to Get Out There, you’ll find the pull of reality TV reruns more enticing than taking a fall hike or exploring what’s new in outer space.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): October is for planning, my Pisces peeps, but despite your best efforts to achieve your ambitious goals, you’ll probably crash and burn. Let’s be real.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): This month is about smoothing over your relationships. Take this as a sign that if you’ve borrowed something, it may be time to return it.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): You look a little ragged. It may be time to add a little jazz to all the drab in your life, whether it’s work, chores, or anything in your routine. Just don’t let some eyeroll-worthy criticism bring you down.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You’re so ready to take a break from the grind and skate away from your troubles. You’re finally going to make that time for yourself, start meditating, and … who are we kidding? Those emails aren’t going to write themselves. Better get back to it.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): This month, you’ll finally find a new solution to an old problem — even if it did take multiple years and anger multiple neighbors.

LEO (July 22—August 21): The Leos are learning new things this month as ideas abound — too bad your mind’s only focused on streamlining your alcohol consumption (or legal vice of your choice — either way your priorities are NOT straight).

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Money is on your mind this month, and you’ve got some big plans brewing on how to get it. Just make sure it’s, you know, legal.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): I know you want to put on a fresh face and make your big debut. But unfortunately, everyone remembers that embarrassing costume you had at Halloween last year. (Can we suggest something more creative this time around?)

Read past shitty horoscopes here.