Hello, dear reader. February is almost here, and in my always-right opinion, it’s the best month of the year. We’ll find out how much longer we’ll be stuck in winter this Groundhog Day (and with our luck, it’s going to be a long wait for spring). Black History Month offers up plenty of events, programs, and opportunities to learn something new. Super Bowl Sunday is coming in hot with the return of Rihanna (and a cruel reminder the Commanders were nowhere close to winning a ring). And ah yes, February, the month of love (and heartbreak), is upon us ladies and gentlemen. If cuffing season blessed you this year, you may be counting those blessings as you struggle to secure a Valentine’s dinner reservation. But best of all, it’s Aquarius season, baby. And we’re in good company: Megan Thee Stallion, Harry Styles, Oprah, and most famously, me! Your favorite agent of chaos. So buckle up lovebirds, and have your birthday checks ready for me. Let’s get into your fates!

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AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You’re getting so much money for your birthday month. Aunts, uncles, and friends are ready to drop you some cash in Venmo … that is unless the app blocks it all. Happy birthday?

PISCES (February 22—March 21): With a new name, and a new mascot, you put all your faith — and bets — into the Commanders going all the way this season.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Okay, splitting the bill for Valentine’s Day isn’t going as well as you’d hoped, even though you explained why it’s reasonable their mocktail was $15 … math doesn’t always have a solution you know.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): So your New Year’s resolution to improve your finances got pushed to February — better late than never! But let’s be real, one year is not enough (especially for that credit, oof). Let’s try five to improve that budget.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Your Jeopardy dreams are dashed after disastrously losing on trivia night after hyping yourself a little too much to your Valentine’s date. In better news, you get to give an Aquarian  a birthday present.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): The zoo, a clearly outdoor, very cold activity at the moment, may not have been the best idea for a Valentine’s date. You promised pandas, only to forget to secure a pass online … again.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You don’t have to worry about grocery prices going up from inflation when your grocery store is empty! You’ll have to go across town to get ingredients for your Valentine’s Day dinner.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): What better way to celebrate Black History Month and Valentine’s Day than a gift from a Black-owned business at this new strip mall? Too bad your date didn’t get you a gift in return.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You may be struggling to find a Lyft/Uber/taxi with demand being so high in the city V-Day weekend, but a bike may be an environmentally-friendly alternative (hopefully your date or friends agree…they won’t).

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): The Groundhog sees his shadow, and the cherry blossoms may be blooming earlier than expected this year. You pack up all your winter clothes, only to realize the Groundhog’s shadow actually that means six more weeks of cold, my friend.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): That raise you were expecting in the New Year is finally supposed to come in February…only to be delayed again, to May?!? 

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Your time is in high demand as you struggle to decide which Super Bowl party to attend. Only to realize COVID/flu/that weird cold thing going around is going to limit your viewing of Rihanna’s halftime show.