Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

We are now also taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

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Overheard of the week: 

Two women are having lunch at Tatte on a weekday:

Woman 1: “Did I upset you?”
Woman 2: “Your tone. I’m just trying to remind myself that you’re not a bitch.”

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Ahem, but what about my $28.89 in *cash back*

A man in his early 30s is on the bus in Old Town Alexandria, talking to his friend about a recent date:

Man: “So I pulled out the Discover card, and she went, ‘Oh, so you’ve probably got no money right?'”

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Just wait until he learns that water is wet

A guy is with a date at Elfegne in Adams Morgan:

Guy: “Nepotism is a thing.”

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It’s like if a colony of ants loved coke and gambling

A group of late 20-something Chads are hanging outside the Bet MGM Sportsbook in Navy Yard: 

Chad 1: “I always have an eight ball on me… cuz you never know.”
Other Chads: *quietly nod in agreement*

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Average person from Ohio tbh

Three women in their 40s are at the Loft Late Night room in the Hamilton, well before the band has started:

Woman 1: “We are gonna dance our asses off tonight! It’ll be great!”
All three: “Yeah!”
Woman 2: “Wait, but she’s from Ohio …” [points to Woman 3]
Woman 1: [clearly disappointed] “Awww…”

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My doctor says the same thing…

A group of people overlooking the elephant pen at the Zoo:

Man, surveying the huge mounds of poop: “I think they need to eat more leaves.”

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I hear the Embassy of Brazil does a mean picanha at their churrascaria 

Two tourists are walking together in front of the Embassy of Senegal in northwest D.C.: 

Tourist 1: “Oh look, there’s a restaurant called the Embassy of Senegal!”
Tourist 2: “Cool! I wonder if the food is good.”

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I guess everyone else had a wild weekend, huh?

Two women in their early 30s walking dogs near 15th and U:

Woman 1: “I feel like if you can’t say it out loud, it’s probably bad.”
Woman 2: “Yeah, if you can’t say it out loud … it’s probably NOT cocaine.”

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This guy has a real talent for words

Two 20-something guys walking into a row house in Columbia Heights: 

Guy 1: “So what did he look like?”
Guy 2: “Uh, I dunno. Y’know, American.”

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C’mon grandma, get with the times! Jk we love you

Three tween boys walking to elementary school together — all wearing shorts in February and one kicking a soccer ball:

Boy 1: “Why do people use checks???”
Boy 2: “It’s more work for the cashier! It’s more work for you! It’s more work for everyone!!!”

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While we’re at it, climbing out of bed sucks too!

A woman and a man are outside the entrance of a rock climbing gym in Crystal City:

Woman: “I cannot think of ANYTHING more stupid than climbing a wall! I don’t even want to climb up a flight of stairs!”

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20 Seasons of One Piece > 23 Seasons of Tom Brady

A group of friends catching up after the Super Bowl:

Friend 1: “Yeah, that Super Bowl was crazy! Such a great game. Kind of reminds me of that one Super Bowl game with Tom Brady.”
Friend 2: “Who’s Tom Brady?”
Friend 1, 3, and 4, in disbelief: “Who’s Tom Brady????”
Friend 2: “What? I watched anime and not football.”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.