Have you ever seen a curious, charming dog that bounds from one smell to another, delighted by everything it finds for approximately 2.45 seconds before moving onto a new, even more alluring scent, all the while looking back at you like, “Ain’t this grand?” Congrats, you understand the crux of Sagittarius season. It’s all very winning and playful, and also extremely exhausting. Which is just like the month of December, if you think about it—lots of nostalgic pings for your senses and excuses to party with themed drinks. It’s a great time, if you can survive all the emotional taxation. My divinations of your month (which, as always, have no real basis in … well, anything) have largely determined that you’ll have a crappy go of it. Read on for more.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Another year around the sun for you. Rather than spending your time working on deeds you could achieve in your lifetime, this December you’ll finally realize that the best legacy you can provide is an ever-changing and ostentatious tombstone that celebrates the most important thing on this Earth—you. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You’re going to feel like garbage all month. This will work out great for you, considering that the “Derelicte” style has gone from an early aughts fashion satire to a real D.C. pop-up bar. It’s time to embrace your trashiness. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): If you don’t think before you post, you will alienate huge swaths of your friends and supporters blowing off steam one night on social media. Beware any missive that ends with “So there, I’ve said it,” especially because future historians may use it to get a feel for this time period. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You’re not typically the most photogenic person, but that’s just because you haven’t tried out your most flattering angle yet: a selfie while lying on Pennsylvania Avenue next to a rotting turkey carcass. Say cheese! You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Yes, snow and ice are made of the same stuff, but that doesn’t mean that they get along. This idea will have some serious implications for your friend group this December. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): If you’re going to shoot for the stars this month, make sure to do it alongside your partner in crime. You still won’t achieve it (the odds were long, after all), but what a nice bonding experience! You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Nothing says the holidays quite like petty drama, and you will get your fill of it this December. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Start thinking about getting a new job. Your weed-gifting business will go kaput when D.C. gets weed dispensaries. Which means your weed-gifting business will certainly last through this month, and likely through 2019. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’ll feel even more stressed out than usual this December, which is really saying something. You can’t change most of those circumstances, but you do have the power to, you know, take a walk or go somewhere calming. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You’re worried about what the influx of new Amazon employees will mean for your sex life, but it’s time to be honest with yourself: could things really get worse than they are currently? You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): It is a truth universally acknowledged that french fries are delicious, yet somehow, people are always trying to fix something that isn’t broken. You will wait in line for hours this December to try out the latest take on the classic. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Ham it up this month by taking hats off children and trying to eat the accessories. People will find it very charming and you’ll be a hit at holiday parties. You’ll soon find yourself priced out of Crystal City … which you will begrudgingly call “National Landing,” but alas, it will be too little, too late.