Welcome to Aries season, where we celebrate stubborn people for reshaping reality in whatever manner they so choose. I am kicking off the party by deciding that the month begins when I say it does, damnit, so it’s officially horoscope time! A casual reminder that, like in months past, this celestial understanding of your future does not have the backing of meticulous astrological training. But when has that ever stopped us before? 

ARIES (March 22—April 21): Just because it oozes and squishes doesn’t mean you should head for the hills. There is money to be made. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): The road of your life is pretty bumpy and you’ve been assuming that if you make some changes, you can eliminate all of the dangerous potholes. But inconvenient craters are inevitable. All you can do is make sure your road is well constructed and stay vigilant about maintenance. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): This month. you will be avowedly searching for one thing. You will not find it, which is kind of what you expected anyway. Not all hope is lost, as long as you can turn whatever else popped up into something alluring. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): If you’re looking to score some attention this month, a Britney Spears cover song is a surefire path to success. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

LEO (July 22—August 21): That price that appears too good to be true? It’s too good to be true. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): I don’t care how many poster boards you bought from CVS—this isn’t the month you seize the means of production. Seizing that troublesome Wendy’s, on the other hand, may be in the cards. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): There’s been a freeloader living with you, but this April, it stops. You need to start prioritizing yourself. That’s right—this is the month you finally put your pet to work. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You used to like something because it was funny in a ha-ha-far-removed kind of way. But now it’s become your reality. Are you still laughing? Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You’ve always been intimidated by art lingo. This is the month where you let all that go, and realize that it’s totally acceptable to, for instance, compare Venetian master Jacopo Tintoretto to Guy Fieri. Why not? It’s art, baby. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): This is not the month (or year, frankly) during which you figure out the whole “mating” thing. Luckily, there are scientists standing by who are well-versed in artificial insemination! Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): You might not see yourself as a person known for keen verbal stylings, but if you play some string instrumentals while you speak, then presto. You’ve become a beat poet. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Your fishy self is craving the water this April, but, sorry to say, the only way you’re going to get nautical will involve exercise. Immediately after you publicly badmouth your friend’s ex, the two of them will get back together.